Sex file: My sex toy makes him feel insecure

My new boyfriend recently found a sex toy of mine and is really intimidated by it. He’s worried he isn’t satisfying me now, which isn’t true (although maybe we could spice things up a bit). How can I reassure him? It’s making him reluctant to have sex.

Openness is a personality trait, but when it comes to sex toys, openness is also a product of familiarity. So younger men are typically less likely to be intimidated by them than older ones.

Before the evolution of online shopping, hardly anyone bought sex toys. In 1992 data from the US National Health and Social Life Survey showed that only 2% of women aged 18 to 59 had bought a vibrator in the previous 12 months. Now brands such as Lelo, Lovehoney and Coco De Mer have done a huge amount to normalise, glamorise even, the use of sex toys. By 2010 research by Debby Herbenick at Indiana University found that 45% of heterosexual women had used a sex toy and 40% had incorporated one into foreplay or sexual intercourse.

In that study some of the women who used a vibrator admitted that they had not disclosed that fact to their partners. Their reasons for withholding that information varied. Some were too embarrassed to admit that they needed to use one to achieve orgasm. Others were concerned about hurting their partner’s feelings, making him feel inadequate or jealous.

Your boyfriend’s reaction suggests that some things have not changed at all. Although it is bonkers to compare an erect penis attached to a living, breathing human being to an inanimate vibrator attached to a recharging device, a number of men continue to feel emasculated by sex toys. This is particularly true if they have anxieties about the reliability of their erection. Although erectile dysfunction is largely a problem that affects men over 50, about a quarter of men under 40 experience it to some degree.

Ironically, one of the best ways to build your partner’s sexual confidence about himself, and his erection, would be to introduce some form of vibratory stimulation into foreplay and intercourse. Your boyfriend might be resistant to the idea, but he is more likely to agree if you include him in the decision-making process. Since he is obviously bothered by your old vibrator, throw it away and then ask him to shop for some new toys that you can use together. Perhaps it is best to steer clear of anything phallic and guide him towards couples’ vibrators, such as the We-Vibe, which can provide pleasure for both of you.

Aim to present sex toys as useful tools that are a non-threatening complement to your love life.

Toys are a great way to turbocharge your lovemaking, but they also facilitate more open communication around sex. From working out how to use them, to exploring the sensations you both want, sex toys help you to learn more about each other’s bodies. This leads to better sex.

Couples Vibrator

In the study I referred to earlier, heterosexual women who used sex toys with their partners were found to have higher levels of desire and arousal. They were also less likely to experience pain during sex. These findings echo a 2009 study, also at Indiana University, that explored the prevalence of vibrator use by American men. It found that this was associated with better sexual function, higher levels of desire and increased satisfaction. The 10% of men who used vibrators were also more likely to look after their sexual health.

It’s not yet clear whether using sex toys leads to better sexual function, or whether people with better sexual function use sex toys. What is clear is that toys make playing fun at any age.

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