Lindsay Woods: 'It took just two weeks for one of my children to lose their school jumper'

It took just two weeks for one of my children to lose their school jumper on their return after the summer holidays.

Which blew last year’s record (one month) completely out of the water for the child in question.

Mortified, I began messaging the other parents with a text that began, “I can’t believe I am having to ask already…”

Last year, his sum total of misplaced jumpers amounted to four. My patience was withered.

Because, just like the character Liam Neeson portrays in Taken, my child also has “…a particular set of skills”

Namely, the ability to lose any belonging which is not glued to his person.

This particular skill, of course, never applies to his prized belongings. They are guarded and cared for beyond measure.

He performs a stock count each evening of those blasted Pokémon cards for fear that one may have gone astray. They never do. Well, apart from that one time during a visit to Charles Fort in gale force conditions.

Hell bent on marching everyone around it, despite the fact that Himself did not so much as have a jumper let alone a rain jacket and my poor mother-in-law was sporting a peep-toe wedge situation, I ordered everyone out of the car. After paying admission, the guide enquired if we wanted to avail of the tour.

As I turned to answer him, I saw my son and daughter rolling down a steep incline swiftly followed by my husband waving his hands frantically as he gathered speed.

My mother-in-law, the guide and myself both followed the unfolding carnage as I hissed between gritted teeth, “What in the honour of Christ are they doing now?”

As my children came to an abrupt halt at the bottom of the slope, my husband ran past them, hopping over children and grabbing at the air. Unbeknownst to us, the eldest had neglected to leave the aforementioned trading cards in the car and had instead shoved them, including the several rare ones which he had devoted months and chunks of his pocket money to collecting, into his pocket.

As he had rolled down the hill, they had relieved themselves from the confines of his shorts and were duly uplifted by the ferocious winds and carried far out to sea. Which my husband now appeared to be in pursuit of and contemplating a rescue mission.

Despite the fact he cannot swim.

Sighing heavily, I turned to the guide and said, “I think it’s best you use the time you should be spending with us to get a cup of tea. Trust me, you’ll be better off.”

I could offer no such consolation prize to my mother-in-law.

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She was stuck with us. So really, as a family, it appears that we are one of losers. In that one may constantly lose their possessions, one may lose their patience and sanity, one has definitely lost the power/skill of just being able to shut her mouth and the final one has lost the will to stay awake beyond 9:30pm. We are also that family you probably want to avoid. All of the time.

You know those pre-conceived notions you have prior to having children? That they’ll only play with wooden toys and never watch TV?

The same applies to how I felt that family life would be. I thought I would be a rational, sage and calm parent. Turns out, I shout. A lot.

It has also become glaringly apparent, that I’m beyond relaxed with everyone but my own family. With my own lot, I am in a constant state of sweating, playing catch-up and general disorganisation. For a long while, I confused the absolute chaos, which my lot seemed to embody, with unhappiness.

For example, I thought that harmonious family life warranted just that, harmony. When in truth, we are just a shouty and loud family.

Even when correcting each other on the sheer volume at which we are arguing/debating/conversing, we do so audibly louder than that of whom we are appealing to.

However, we are happy in the chaos. Because there is no direct and fool proof way to ensuring a smooth and cohesive family unit. Families are messy and unpredictable

There is no guidebook or sure-fire way as to how to navigate same. If there was, someone would have written that book and duly been able to retire not only themselves, but all future generations of their family as a result.

So, if you feel you’re doing it wrong in relation to parenting, chances are, you’re doing it right.

“Mum?”

“What?”

“Ok… so, today in school, we were playing a match and I took off my jumper and I swear I put it in my bosca but like, when I went to get it after, it was missing…”

@thegirlinthepaper