Do kids need gender?: Practice of gender neutral parenting growing in popularity

Dismissed by some as a dangerous fad, the practice of genderneutral parenting is nevertheless growing in popularity, writes Jenny Sherlock

Gender-neutral parenting is relatively new and controversial. Proponents of this parenting style believe that doing so encourages a child to discover and embrace his or her identity without the influence of what society views as “normal”, while opponents believe it creates unnecessary confusion by making gender something to be avoided.

The values behind raising children gender-neutral is to avoid defining them by their gender so they don’t feel compelled to fit into any category or norm. Although it is still somewhat uncommon in Europe, many American parents have chosen to refer to their child as ‘they’ and ‘them’, and some even use the term ‘theybies’ rather than babies when they speak about their child in order to keep the biological gender hidden. With constant celebrity endorsements for this style of parenting, it’s no wonder that this approach is on the increase, even for those of us who shy away from the limelight. However, as with many celebrity approaches, there is a danger that some parents will adopt this style simply to follow a trend rather than as something that a decision comes from their core belief systems.

Varying Degrees

There are varying degrees of gender-neutral parenting, some of which many parents are already adapting without labelling it as gender-neutral. Some choose to take a literal, more extreme approach by keeping their child’s gender hidden — even from friends and family — believing that the child will become who they are without the limitations imposed by a particular gender.

Others take a pragmatic approach by eliminating stereotypical gender-specific toys and clothing, allowing the child to explore both without restriction.

The most liberal approach to the parenting style is to simply eliminate gender-specific roles within a household by ensuring that both parents are equal in terms of household chores and duties.

For parents who may be considering a gender-neutral parenting approach, it may be worth considering whether biology is a factor/consideration in your decision or is it solely about the idea of gender bias — and if so, is avoiding that enough?

A new way of thinking

Traditional thinking on gender places boys in the more masculine roles, wearing masculine clothes in dark colours, playing with cars, and kicking a football, with girls assigned more feminine roles where everything we wear is pink and girly.

However, recent changes in mindset mean that society is now more accepting of difference, particularly when it comes to gender identity and sexuality. We have come a long way in terms of our thinking, with same-sex couples finally able to enjoy the same freedoms as their counterparts. Although this progress was slow, it was a very welcome shift from the discrimination of decades ago.

Integrative psychotherapist Leona Monaghan shared her experience with some of her younger clients:

“When talking with some of my teenage clients, they are leading the way on how we view gender, with pretty fluid and liberal thinking and less of the rigid stereotyping of bygone days. Like any change in society, it seems slow to those who are less used to the concept and not fast enough for those who depend upon thought changes to occur”.

One could certainly argue that the idea of gender-neutrality may be something that has existed in the shadows and is currently in its infancy in terms of normalisation, but only time will tell.

For those in turmoil regarding their own gender identity, this approach may be a breath of fresh air, showing them that society is moving towards a place of acceptance, where gender is no longer considered critical to your identity.

Psychotherapist Siobhan Murray spoke to me about how “for some children, being raised this way can be hugely supportive as it allows the child to explore the world from both a male and female perspective without judgement. However, this may only be the case in the safety of the home environment and can be met with lack of understanding from general society, and even extended family members”.

Too extreme?

We still have a long way to go as a society before gender-neutral parenting is seen as the norm, with many people of the opinion that gender-neutrality is a fad, something confined to celebrities, which has the potential to do irreparable damage to the children in question.

The fact that gender-neutrality is so new means that it creates more questions than it answers, and the outcome is very unclear. Those not in favour of the idea may not actually be against the idea of eliminating gender bias, but worry about the removal of gender in general, wondering why gender is suddenly a thing to be avoided, whether it will result in negative consequences like isolation and bullying for the child and will it lead to resentment towards the parents for imposing a label which is neither understood nor accepted openly as yet.

Siobhan emphasises the need for more progress before this approach to parenting becomes more mainstream:

“I feel we still have a long way to go before schools, extended family, and society are ready to support and come on board so all children are raised and treated equally”.

Finding a middle ground

Balance is essential with issues of gender identity, and allowing each side to have their say in a healthy debate is crucial in ensuring that the welfare of those involved remains of paramount importance.

Perhaps in deliberating on the topic, it is worth considering the following points:

• It’s not necessary to assign gender neutrality (or remove gender assignment) in order to allow a child to dress how they want and play with what they want.
• It’s possible without declaring your child is gender-neutral to have an open mind about gender identity as a child gets older.
• Is it more advisable to let the child be their biological gender and ensure that they know you’ve an open mind if they identify differently later?
• There are many people who already identify as gender-fluid, which means they move between genders. Traditionally they would have been seen as feminine men or masculine women.

CONSIDERED APPROACH

Whichever side of the fence you sit on, one thing is certain — society has not yet evolved to the point where gender neutrality is a common or even widely recognised. Because it is a new concept, little is known about the possible effects, both psychologically and socially, of adopting this approach.

Leona emphasises the importance of educating ourselves and our children:

“If parents educate their children about gender and are open to the child’s choice if it were to occur this may be a more balanced way to cope with different eventualities”.

If gender-neutral parenting is something which appeals to you something you are interested in, a cautious approach should be taken. Ensure you do your research and are confident regarding how you will approach the situation. Prepare yourself for the inevitable confusion and/or criticism you may receive when you tell people, family and friends included.

It is important to remember there is an individual at the core of this and their needs — whether physical, mental or emotional — must remain a priority regardless of whether they identify as male, female or gender-neutral.

Leona adds: “When we focus too much on gender and how we view it, sometimes we neglect or forget about the person and the needs of an individual, regardless of gender”.