Advice: How not to fold on children's chores

Getting your children into the habit of doing household chores benefits them as much as you, writes Jenny Sherlock.

I hear parents talk all the time about how their children don’t help enough around the house and how this can be a source of conflict. I hear parents talk about how their teenagers would burn toast and the fact that they worry about how their children will cope when they go to college/move out of home.

We’ve all heard about college students living on pasta and noodles and bring their laundry home for mammy, but we don’t talk about what we, as parents, can do to make sure this doesn’t happen.

I am a self-confessed control freak — I like things done a certain way. Of course, this is not always the same way my husband or kids like to do them, which can be a bit of a struggle for me. I also tend to convince myself on a regular basis that I am superwoman and can do everything myself, as many mums do.

Unfortunately, I have three kids and this approach is just not realistic! My oldest child is 11 and I’m now seeing the result of my overparenting; doing too much for her or not trusting her to do a job has resulted in an assumption that certain things will be done for her and this inevitably ends up in an argument.

What concerns me most about this is whether she will be able to look after herself when she goes to college or moves out of home.

Learned helplessness

I read an article recently on the phenomenon of “learned helplessness”. The theory is that the more parents do for their child in terms of household and family tasks, the more likely it is that a child will be less competent at basic life skills when they approach adulthood and will learn to be helpless.

It went on to discuss how over-parenting can lead to a child’s ability to become self-sufficient being undermined.

Louise Shanagher, children’s therapist, mindfulness teacher, and author of Ireland’s first mindfulness series for children Mindfully Me, emphasises the importance of ensuring that this doesn’t happen and believes that “giving children the opportunity to do chores around the house helps them feel important and capable of making a positive contribution to the household”.

It’s never too late

It’s not a case of “you’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it”, it’s never too late to start your children on the road to becoming self-sufficient adults. In fact, allowing and encouraging your child can be beneficial for both of you, not just logistically, but physically and mentally too.

Louise believes that “by allowing children to do tasks by themselves, parents are empowering children and equipping them with real-life skills that will stand to them in the future”.

Sharing the burden can help reduce the load parents carry and in allowing children to feel they are valued members of the household, but we need to be consistent and ensure that tasks are appropriate to the age and abilities of a child. Toddlers love to “help” and when we start at a young age, it becomes a normal part of life, allowing us to increase the number or complexity of their tasks.

Very often, parents focus solely on academic and sporting achievements and fail to recognise the value of learning to carry out chores which can result in an inability to carry out basic tasks as a young adult such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, or money management. Teaching them skills such as preparing a simple meal,

managing a weekly budget, doing laundry or cleaning the shower after themselves can pay dividends in the future — for us, and them.

Age-appropriate tasks

With the lower age groups (toddler and pre-school in particular), many children enjoy being involved with household tasks and are happy to help, as it makes them feel important. They will often need assistance, and being patient when the result is not perfect is key to encouraging them.

This gives children the message that doing things for themselves is a normal part of everyday life. Louise emphasises the importance of ensuring that their contribution is acknowledged: “I think it is important for parents to express their gratitude when children help out, children will be motivated when they know that their efforts are appreciated by their parents”.

Older children and teenagers should be given more responsibility, such as cooking, with assistance if needed, or washing the laundry. Teenagers generally enjoy having extra responsibility (contrary to popular belief) and they feel a sense of achievement when they are trusted and they deliver on it, making a positive contribution to the family. From about the age of 16, teenagers should be able to assist with most tasks independently.