Life hacks: Anna Geary on the subtle power of negotiation

Actress Carrie Fisher once said: “Everything is negotiable, whether or not the negotiation is easy is another matter.”

Actresss Carrie Fisher once said: “Everything is negotiable, whether or not the negotiation is easy is another matter.”

What kind of world would it be if everybody thought the same way you did? If everybody spontaneously conformed to your every wish, your every thought, your every feeling?

Life would certainly be easier, but perhaps a little more boring.

As yesterday was St Valentine’s Day, and emotions are probably still running high, it seems a good time to talk about the power of negotiation.

When I think of the term negotiation, I also think of the word compromise. However, many experts believe that negotiation is not the same as compromise.

Carrie Fisher. Picture: PA/ Ian West.

For example, in a negotiation, each person gets something in exchange for giving something that the other wants. In a compromise, neither partner actually gets what they want.

Let’s say, for example, in a relationship one person wants to have Thai food and the other wants to have Mexican.

After much discussion, their compromise is to have pizza delivered.

While neither was forced to choose something they didn’t want, neither person got what they wanted either, so they can’t be completely satisfied with the solution.

In a negotiated solution, one partner would pick the restaurant this time and the other the next. This means you are feeling satisfied, at least some of the time.

This is an important distinction — to keep any relationship healthy both parties need to feel they are benefiting from it and each person can believe they have an equal say in the relationship.

Effective negotiation requires that all parties involved know their agenda.

You must know what you’re negotiating for and not be distracted by insignificant details — or emotions.

We all have an agenda (a set of things we want and need), so understanding your agenda and using that as a framework when negotiating is the first step.

Unless you know your own needs and desires, you cannot negotiate successfully.

I find this currently applies when planning our wedding. You can’t have everything your own way, and both of us want certain things, some of which are less important to the other.

So rather than compromising and neither being completely happy with the outcome, we each picked three things that were non- negotiable.

For example, I love photographs so having a good photographer is important to me.

For Kev, there are other things he wants on the day. Bringing three items each to the table, forced us both to decide on what we wanted and on what we wanted to focus our budget. It also highlighted what wasn’t important to both of us.

Negotiation skills are valuable in all facets of life. The key to negotiation in a business context is to keep the focus solely on results and what would make the best long-term deal for all parties.

By taking the emphasis off the people involved and keeping it on the facts, the negotiation is less likely to become hostile. While it’s easy to take things personally — considering most business negotiations hinge on assigning a value to a person or a product — it’s important that you don’t enmesh yourself in the discussions.

Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, believes that in life we should not take things personally. “Nothing others say or do is because of you”, but rather a projection of their own reality and perspectives, he says, adding that taking things personally in life is “needless suffering”.

Michael Wheeler, author of The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World, reinforces what Ruiz says, saying attitude and awareness are key components when negotiating.

We have to recognise what is in our control and what is not. How we think of ourselves is in our control, as is keeping our emotions in check.

We must understand there’s another party who may be more, or less, trusting than you, or, more, or less cooperative. More often than not, it has nothing to do with you.

Negotiation is not linear, that’s what makes it challenging. You may know what you want the outcome to look like but you don’t exactly know how you will reach it.

Wheeler studied military training and believed there’s a misperception that military strategy is “very rigid”.

Yes, there’s a chain of command, but there’s also a military saying, ‘Plans go out the window on first contact with the enemy’. In an uncertain situation, you have to think through your best- and worst-case scenarios. You need to have a plan B, even a plan C.

In some ways, negotiating is like playing cards. If you stare at the cards in your own hand, you’re going to miss out on a lot of vital information needed to succeed.

The best players know that their cards aren’t going to change, so they focus their attention on the other players and the cards that are being played.

This makes them better informed and quicker to adapt under pressure.

The same is true in negotiations. If you’re focused on your own emotions and thoughts, you’re inevitably going to miss out on key information that your counterpart is giving you and limit your chances of success.

In emotionally charged situations, it’s human instinct to turn your attention inward.

By consciously shifting your attention back on your environment and the other person, you’ll gain greater insight and improve your awareness.

As an added bonus, when you’re consumed by analysing external cues, you’ll have less time to focus on your own emotions and thoughts, which may be hampering the negotiation.

Top Tips

Walk in their shoes: When it comes to a negotiation, you need to be able to see things from the other side.

That will give you a chance to find some common ground, as you can see it from their perspective, even if you don’t agree with them. Always show respect and understanding for the other party.

Frame the negotiation around mutual interests rather than your interest alone.

And if you’re respectful, it’s more likely the other side will reciprocate.

Power of body language: When it comes to negotiation, it’s all about engagement with the other person.

People tend to lean back in their chairs rather than forward, which puts a physical distance between themselves and the other person.

However, a good tip to communicate openness and interest it to sit on the edge of your chair and ‘lean into the conversation’.

Maintaining eye contact is also crucial while making sure not to have your arms folded.

his can imply you are ‘closing yourself off’ to them.

Research also shows that mirroring the other person’s actions (in a subtle way) can have a positive effect in negotiations.

Draw on the power of silence: Like any discussion, we tend to rush in to fill any uncomfortable silences that arise, often with counter-arguments or impulsive comments.

These can result in a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ approach.

Cutting the silence is a huge mistake, so next time, after the other person speaks, allow a few moments of silence, to give you time to fully absorb what they have just said before reacting.

Take a deep breath and count to five before responding. Try it!