Ask Audrey: 'Staying in a mobile home is like wearing a t-shirt saying I Love Youghal'

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

We’re having problems in the bedroom. My husband and I are trying for our first baby at the moment, and just as things are warming up nicely, I get overcome with anxiety that it will be a boy and he won’t get into Pres. My poor husband tries to keep it going with “Christians, Christians, we can try Christians!”, which is an even bigger turn off, because everyone knows they’ve started letting in hurlers. Do you know if it’s possible to get a guarantee from Pres before a child is born (my father is very well connected on the South Mall)?

— Elaine, Sunday’s Well, we’d be disappointed with a girl.

That would be mutual. I checked with my Posh Cousin.

She said striving to get your child into a fee-paying school is the kind of thing you’d expect from a Norry, and anyway they have strict enrolment criteria based entirely on merit.

I said, what’s she supposed to do so? She said, just turn up at the school gate with your child in a uniform and tell them you’re from Sunday’s Well. #WhoKnew

My New Year’s Resolution is to run off the Christmas excess before I get kicked out of the WhatsApp group, Skinny Southside Bitches with Sexy Life Coaches. The problem is to find a route from my 1.5m euro mansion on the Douglas Road. I’m a very empathetic person and end up in floods of tears if I see people living in abject poverty, so that rules out Turner’s Cross. The other direction involves Mahon, tell me I don’t need to say any more. Basically I’m looking for a 5k route around Cork that doesn’t involve semi-detached squalor and Hyundais. Is that too much to ask?

— Phillipa, Douglas Road, my runners cost more than your holiday home.

I should hope so, it’s in Garryvoe. (Never marry a man who only works in the CSO.)

Anyway, good news. My nerdy nephew has developed an app called Posh Patz which plots a route based on your own preferences, so you can avoid streets where they only have entry level health insurance.

Best of all, it beeps loudly when you get too close to the river and shouts “Danger, girl, Danger, You do be less than 200 metres from Norry Land.” #Genius.

Ponderous times in Chez Reggie, old stock. I allowed myself some moments of reflection over the holiday period, in between trying to buy drinks for German birds in Crane Lane and my traditional brush with Delirium Tremens. It’s painful for me to admit this, but I wonder what have I achieved in life, outside of a hole in one on the 15th in Douglas and a mention in the Examiner under the headline ‘Blackrock Man Denies he Was Acquitted Because He Went to School With the Judge’. So for 2019, I’m going to be a new Reggie and give something back. Do you know a charity that could use my talents?

— Reggie, Blackrock, I’d prefer to steer well clear of northsiders.

#Mutual. My aunt has raised a lot of money for the lower orders without ever meeting one of them. (Another one who likes a charity lunch.)

I asked her if she has any use for a work-shy alcoholic millionaire with busy hands.

She said, he could act as a stand-in for my husband. (Things mustn’t be great again with Uncle Hugh.)

Hi, it’s that time of the year again, when our minds turn to finding a campsite in Spain that isn’t popular with the great unwashed. I tried to use the popular bulletin boards and Reddit, but they all banned me for putting in a post titled, “I’ll cry if I have to spend 14 days next to a family from Hollyhill.” You can’t say anything these days. In fairness Audrey, you seem to be openly hostile to the poor, which is the least I’d expect from someone living in Ballinlough. So, can you recommend a campsite in France or Spain?

— Bernard, Douglas.

I’m appalled you think I’d judge someone based on their wealth.

You obviously never read my columns, or you’d know that I look down on everyone from Killorglin and Kilmallock, no matter how much money they have.

As for finding a posh campsite, forget about it.

A mobile home is a mobile home, staying in one is like wearing a t-shirt saying I Love Youghal.

C’mere what’s the story with Budgie becoming politically correct? We’ve been friends since forever, but he do be going with this studenty one since October and all of a sudden Budgie do be so right-on we can’t make no jokes about ugly people from Limerick (as if there do be any other kind.) Where can I find a new friend that will be good for a laugh?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, Budgie says we should call it African-American-pool from now on.

My neighbour has her finger on the pulse (she’s a nurse actually.)

I said where would you find a group of people who’d laugh at foolish, offensive jokes that seem stuck in the 1980s.

She said try the audience at Mrs. Brown’s Boys. #BoomBoom