Ask Audrey: My nephew identifies as a woman every Tuesday so he can get free into a night-club

Sorting out Cork people for years...

Ask Audrey: My nephew identifies as a woman every Tuesday so he can get free into a night-club

Sorting out Cork people for years...

How’re oo’ goin’ on?

Herself is after falling in with the gender fluid crowd inside in Macroom and isn’t she only after creating war in our Nativity Play over the Three Wise Men. (Or Wise Min, as we call them locally.)

She’s insisting they should be allowed to self-identify, while the priest took to the pulpit last weekend and told her to cop herself on. I’ve been called on to mediate on account of the Conflict Resolution Diploma I got from the Tech in 2004. How should I proceed?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head west Macroom until you come across a man who has obviously never looked in a mirror.

A: Congratulations on finding three wise anything west of Macroom. My nephew is very in tune with this, he identifies as a woman every Tuesday so he can get free into a night-club. I said, what would you say to the priest here to help him understand gender and identity.

He said, I’d start by saying “you know the way you’re wearing a dress.” #Controversial

We’ve a Christmas Day tradition here in Crookhaven where we go for a swim with some family friends and reflect on how lucky we are to be in gorgeous West Cork, completely unspoiled by dirty rotten Norries with their Guineys bags.

Speaking of dirty rotten Norries, my daughter is fuming we wouldn’t pay for George Ezra to play at her 18th, so didn’t she go out and nab a boyfriend who has a tattoo saying “Northside and Proud.” (Imagine.)

If my friends see this tattoo on our swim, I’ll be barred from Schull. Should I offer him money to stay behind in our luxurious 5-bedroom holiday home with a sea view?

– Monica, Blackrock and Crookhaven.

A: My niece studies Norry behaviour, her PhD was titled A Qualitative Exploration into the Importance of Me Mam. I said, how much do you need to pay a northsider to get them to betray their heritage?

She said 45 euro. I said how do you know the exact figure? She said it’s published on their website. #WhoKnew (They’ve a loyalty card and everything, the fifth betrayal is free.)

We’ve just landed here in Lanzarote for Christmas. It was a lovely flight, we wedged our au pairs and the kids between us and a very semi-detached in Wilton type of family in row 4. Unfortunately The Wiltons muscled in next to us on the bus to Playa Blanca and struck up a conversation in their little accents.

We’re all staying in the Princess Yaiza hotel, they’re in what I’d call steerage, we’re in a suite you can’t actually book on the internet. Anyway, 20 minutes with Mrs Wilton was enough, is there any way I can just ignore her around the pool?

– Clodagh, Monkstown, would it be ok if I just lived here all year?

A: Don’t let me stop you. I get a lot of emails about the Canaries from Posh Cork, asking if there is any way to put all the servant classes on one island. (There is, it’s called Gran Canaria.) Don’t hesitate to ignore someone from the lower orders in Playa Blanca. It’s so popular that the place is actually known as Playa Blank Ya.

Hello old stock. It’s an old Christmas tradition to meet the lads in an early house on the Saturday before Christmas, sip away the day nicely, before heading out to Wilton at 10pm so Hoggy can get his stomach pumped in CUH.

Unfortunately, I listened to my wife Marjorie in a moment of weakness and got this implant last week that makes me violently sick after just one pint. This has the potential to spoil Christmas in Chez Reggie. Do you know anywhere I can get a decent bucket, to hold a minimum of four pukes?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I’d keep it under the table in case it scared away the chicky babes.

You might want to put your face under there as well? It’s no joke for a man, getting a fit of the gawks in a crowded pub. At least we women have our handbags, so we can sideways lob a puke in there when our date isn’t looking. #AllBeenThere

C’mere what’s the story with Secret Santa for a one from Montenotte. I drew this one Tamara for the work party tomorrow night, she’d be sexy enough if she wore a different pair of glasses. I seen the way she looks at me in the canteen, a heady mix of lust and hatred, because I do come to work on the 203 bus. I don’t want to be getting me hopes up early doors, but I’d say the sex there would be off-the-scale filthy. What can I buy her for under €10 to seal the deal? Proud

– Paul, Togher, I’ll wear my new aftershave, it captures my essence.

A: Eau du Minimum Wage? I asked the Posh Cousin, is it possible to arouse a woman from Montenotte for under a tenner?

She said, have you considered a cheap vibrator? I said after 13 years of marriage, I think of little else. #MoreLikeFriends

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