The truth about single shaming

Ciara Courtney is single and happy – so why, she wonders, are people so determined to change her?

The truth about single shaming Ciara Courtney is single and happy – so why, she wonders, are people so determined to change her?

Have you seen Bridget Jones’s Diary? Do you remember the dinner party scene where Bridget is surrounded by all the loved-up couples and they are talking about how happy they are in marital bliss and then one of the guests asks her, ‘Why is it there are so many unmarried women in their 30s these days Bridget?’ and she responds to an incredibly uncomfortable silence, ‘Well, I don’t know, I suppose it doesn’t help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales’.

Well, it might be worth noting that Bridget was the victim of what is now called Single Shaming. And I think you and many others have been one too. So, what exactly is single shaming?

Its definition it isn’t completely black and white but according to relationships counsellor Stephanie Regan it is “referencing a person’s single status as something that needs changing or fixing”. And yes, Stephanie adds Bridget handled that dinner discussion quite well.

It was only recently that my friend told me about an experience she has been having with a colleague when it comes to single shaming.

We were trying to figure out was her colleague trying to be funny but we figured out this 40-year-old was just being mean. He asks her why is she single and what is wrong with her.

He asks her regularly in front of her colleagues and she told me she finds herself defending her relationship status on a daily basis. It was only after that conversation with her that I started to notice this more and more in my life.

When I have a conversation with certain friends or family members and mention a man I work with or if I talk about a guy I met on the bus that I exchanged some pleasantries with, I am asked ‘was he single?’ ‘Is he available?’

For example, I was on a plane recently sitting beside a man. In between naps and watching films on the long haul flight we had a teeny tiny chat about where he was going and why and vice versa. During the journey, my friends who were on the flight (but all scattered everywhere) asked me was he single?

And who was he travelling with? Surely he isn’t travelling with his girlfriend otherwise he would be sitting beside her and not me right?

I dealt with this probing quite well. I brushed it off but inside I wanted to shout ‘I just had a 10 minute conversation with this man on an 8 hour flight, no, we are not getting married, I don’t know if he is single because I didn’t bloody ask!’ I might be a bit sensitive to this now more than ever but when comes to the single shamer Stephanie says that people are trying to fix you.

“There is a pre-supposition that you know that coupledom is what they want, that they are carrying some disappointment about it and that they are in need of fixing. Just because a person is single does not mean that they are not happy and enjoying life.

"Everyone’s timing is different and friends and family should accept that and not treat young singles as though they are to be pitied, or fixed.”

What about handling it though? Should you bite back? I must say from my own experience I regularly highlight that I am being targeted just because I’m single (behind gritted teeth). Stephanie says this isn’t a bad way to react at all. “Yes be lippy about it, speaking out helps people to re-think their automatic responses.

You don’t change the world by saying nothing.” She believes in “straight talking and providing a motivation to change. If they know you are hurt by it or better annoyed by the comments then they may re-think them and indeed the thinking that is prompting them to say these things.”

Another really interesting element of single shaming is the difference between men and women. Is there one?

Stephanie says, “I think the timing of the single shaming is simply different for men and women, as men tend to marry that bit older, so the focus on their single status tends to begin around 30 whereas for girls it seems to be around 25 plus.

"There is also the factor that men are deemed to be the chooser and the women are the non chosen, so in this way it is deemed less of a negative when men stay single.”

And that is such a valid point. Men are looked at as fun-loving bachelors while women are looked as crazy cat ladies. I am a self-confessed crazy cat lady and I am travelling my own path, at my pace and in my time.

And when it comes to our own individual paths Stephanie says, “Behind a person’s single status can be many things, a pause between relationships, a necessary focus on study or career, or simply a lack of desire for the settled couple life at this point in the person’s life.”

And despite Bridget Jones being the gem that she is, she is just a fictional character. We are all on our own path and whether you are 20, 45 or 70 we should travel our path. Not everyone else’s. And to the single shamers out there, please stop!

Focus on your own path too.