Ask Audrey: Cork people are stunned, we can’t believe there are two cities in the world nicer than Cork

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...

C’mere, myself and the old doll have moved in with her parents to save money for a deposit on a gaff. We do be legends now at doing the business in silence, the old doll don’t even shout ‘Oh Dowcha Donie, you do be taking me to paradise’ during the good bits. After doing it the other night I ran out to the jacks in the nip and who should I meet only the old doll’s Mam, and she was in the nip as well and she and the husband are well in their 70s. Fit of the gawks! Do you think I should make a joke out of it?– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I’d like to get it out in the open.

You’ve done enough of that already. I’d love to help, but I have a mental block about old age pensioners having sex, ever since I went on a date with an elderly member of the RCYC just because of the size of his house. The less said about his efforts to hoist his spinnaker the better.

I’m todally in Schull at the moment because I’m rich and it’s August and my old man offered me 10 grand to leave him alone in Dublin for a fortnight, I said 15, we settled on 12 plus the use of his vintage jaguar. (I’m like the Johnny Sexton of negotiating.) Anyhow, earlier today I was actually snorting with laughter at the way they talk on your local bog radio, when the goy said Cork is the third friendliest city in the world. Like, it isn’t even the third friendliest city in Munster. Who decides these friendly city things, people treated me like dirt the last time I was in Cork?– Gordo, Ballsbridge, #Hurting.

#Laughing. Cork people are stunned at the news, we can’t believe there are two cities in the world nicer than Cork. Still, it was fantastic to beat Galway into fifth place. You’d think they’d be super-friendly given that 94% of them are bongo-playing hash fanatics. (The other 6% don’t have a bongo.)

I’ve been farming my two out to kids’ clubs for August because you know the way they’d wreck your head. Anyway, I promised to bring them to the cinema last weekend as a treat, but I left it late to book tickets online because I was busy posting photos of me drinking gin cocktails by the wall in Crookhaven. Mahon Point was booked out so, for the first time in my life, I had to go to Blackpool. (Imagine). It wasn’t actually that bad, and I’d bring them again if I thought no one would recognise me or the kids. So, do you know anywhere in Cork I could rent a decent disguise?– Monica, Douglas Road, would it be ok if we wore burqas?

I’ll check with Boris Johnson. I asked my Posh Cousin if it’s ever acceptable for a member of the cream of Cork society to be seen in a northside Shopping Centre. She said not really, unless they are opening it. I said, would she be better sticking to the one in Mahon Point so. She said do you mean the carpet or the cinema? I said good point.

We’re having a great summer break here in Courtmacsherry, it’s so civilised and everyone earns over a 150 grand a year. The only problem is we put in an outdoor jacuzzi and never one to be outdone, my neighbour is putting an extension on her extension. (She’s great crack until the second bottle of rosé.) Anyway, the problem is she’s using a building firm from Kerry and you know the way they talk, so now my boys have picked up “yerra” and “any crack lads” because it’s contagious. I can’t send them back to Pres sounding like Daithi O’Se. Any advice?– Lisa, Sundays Well.

This is a common problem. A lot of Posh Cork people coming back from Kerry in August find their kids sound like something you’d find on the ground in chipper in Tralee. Luckily, I have just launched an accent correction app called ‘Pretentious? Moi?’ The bad news is it costs €1500 and doesn’t do anything. The good news is you can boast to everyone that you can afford it. #KeySellingPoint.

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy tried to chat up two gorgeous visiting academics in the Abbey Tavern last night, but no dice, particularly after Hoggy said, “Your glasses would sit nicely on my bedside locker” to the blondie one. Anyway, we’ve decided to improve our intellectual credentials by writing a history of the southside. (I’m sick of reading about the history of poverty on the northside, as if there’s something noble about walking to Youghal for your holidays.) Any tips?– Reggie, Blackrock.

My uncle William is a local history enthusiast. (Or Billy the Bore as we call him at home.) I asked him what would be a good topic for your book? He said the railway to Passage West. I said that’s fascinating. He said why. I said, imagine people wanting to go to Passage West.