Ask Audrey: He said my face does be reminding him of the sun setting over Sardinia

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

I’m from Monkstown and married for money. (Quelle surprise.) It worked out well for both of us. I get New York with the girls three times a year, he gets a new sexual position for his birthday. (Rusty Trombone last year, don’t even look it up, vom.)

Anyway, I started up a little sideline last year as a pet psychoanalyst and it’s after taking off like nobody’s business. (It’s the pet owners who need their heads examined, but say nothing.)

The only problem is I’m earning more than my Ken now and it’s after giving him erectile dysfunction. Do you know of any cure?

— Monica, Douglas Road, I literally can’t spend my money.

A. I literally would like to help. My second cousin Denis is a sex therapist, everyone calls him Dirty Den. I said, I’ve got this gorgeous rich woman whose husband can’t get it up, what would you recommend? He said a weekend in Paris. I said, with her husband? He said no, with me. #Unprofessional.

C’mere, what’s the story with everyone being into hockey all of a sudden? The old doll was flicking through the channels last weekend when the match against Spain came on. Before I could shout:

“That do be for nobby Nickis from the Model Farm Road,” she started having a nervy because the penalties had gone to sudden death.

By the time the game was over, she was talking of sending our son to Pres. (We don’t have a son.) Like, do we be looking at the doomsday scenario now where god-fearing northsiders will actually consider taking up hockey?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, this could be curtains for camogie now like.

A. We can but hope. My mother had a saying about camogie players. I can’t repeat it here because when I showed it to the lawyer in the Examiner he had a panic attack. (It was so severe that he nearly forgot to charge me.)

Anyway, your question, I asked my Posh Cousin what are the chances of a girl from a northside council estate being welcomed into a hockey club?

She said pretty high, if they are looking for someone to clean the dressing rooms. #JobFairy

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy were holding up the bar in O’Sullivan’s in Crookhaven this morning when we heard that Ian Wright escaped punishment for mocking Roy Keane’s accent on the TV.

Hoggy was so shocked that he almost forgot to shout “You’re thin for an American” across the bar at at a gorgeous looking lady from Chicago; I very nearly put down my pint.

Anyway, I’m fully behind Ian Wright on this one. What has the world come to if you can’t mock a Norrie in public for the way he talks?

— Reggie, Blackrock, anything going on above in the city?

A. Nothing you’d like anyway. (The only place I can see for you and Hoggy at the Pride Parade is in a Paddy Wagon.)

I checked with my politically correct cousin, Right On Roisin about this Roy Keane thing. I said, what’s the story with posh people doing fake northside accents on television these days?

She said it’s grand as long as you’re one of the cast on Young Offenders. I said ouch.

Hi gurlll. Wait til I tell ya, I do be flirting with this Italian fella in the call centre. He said my face does be reminding him of the sun setting over Sardinia, which better be a good thing or I’ll bust him.

Anyway, I fancy him rotten like but the smell off his breath do be giving me a fit of the gawks. (You know the way they’d a be with the garlic.) What’s a good way to suggest breath freshener?

— Mags, The Lough.

A. I presume you mean Togher. My brother is a dentist. That’s just me boasting really. I collect Italian boyfriends, helping another woman to nab one would be like someone in Blackrock helping their neighbour’s son get into Pres. #SpacesAreLimited

How’re oo goin’ on? My daughter is home from London for the week, and didn’t she bring me back the present of a Fedora hat.

As if that weren’t bad enough, I wore it to the Summer Show last weekend and word has gone around town that I’m ‘up myself’, as the fella says. My daughter says they’re just jealous, but it’s no joke to find that you’re suddenly known as the Sultan of Brunei on the streets of Dunmanway.

Do you think I’d be within my rights to ask the daughter to bring the hat back to London?

— Dan Paddy Andy, drive away out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man with 30 years of dirt under his fingernails. (And proud of it, I am.)

A. My niece is a Fashion Forward Style Influencer, along with being as thick as Bisto. (The two are linked.)

I said, what is your opinion on a Fedora? She said that depends on how much the hat manufacturer is willing to pay me?

I said, and they said you were thick?