Ask Audrey: All it takes is one photo of us in the queue for El Cheapo Motors and I’m toast in Douglas

Sorting out Cork people for years...

Ask Audrey: All it takes is one photo of us in the queue for El Cheapo Motors and I’m toast in Douglas

Sorting out Cork people for years...

C’mere, what’s the story with having notions. The old doll do be doing a psychology thing in UCC over the summer and she’s like, “Lie down on the couch there Dowcha Donie, but not for sexy stuff.”

As if that isn’t bad enough, she do be talking through her nose all southside and wants us to go for dinner in some place called Hayfield Manor. I looked up the prices for a steak there on the internet and nearly had a banger. Is there any alternative?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, some place cheap and posh now like.

A. Doesn’t exist. The very essence of Posh Cork is sitting in a restaurant roaring “Would you look at the prices, thank God we can afford them.”

I asked my Posh Cousin if expensive restaurants around town have any aids for barbaric misfortunates like yourself. (No offence.) She said some of them have a Norry Menu to help you acclimatise.

I said what’s on it. She said bodice and the words ‘Keep your voice down, no one wants to hear how your Nana raised 14 kids in one room.’ #Thoughtful.

How’re oo goin’ on? We’ve a gay couple staying with us in the B&B, two nicer men you’d struggle to meet.

Or at least that’s what I thought until they came down for breakfast this morning and I greeted them in the proper West Cork manner, with “How are the Min?” (Min is the West Cork for men.)

Well, didn’t they rear up against me like a wounded bullock, saying I had no right to assume they were min, and it is wrong to ascribe a gender to a fella just because he (or she) has you know what inside in his (or her) underpants.

Do you know where I might learn the modern things, so I don’t insult my guests again?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway or Dunwomanway, if that’s the way the wind is blowing.

A. My neighbour is a lecturer in sociology because the working life isn’t for everyone. He or she gets very upset if I use gender specific language.

Only the other day she or he said, name one thing that identifies me as a man. I said, your beard. (She could do with a shave.)

We’re flying to Malaga next week to spend our annual month in the dripping-with-money end of Marbella. We certainly won’t be out of place, my Ken couldn’t be higher up in Cork banking circles.

Unfortunately, he’s also in the running for Cork’s meanest man (his mother is from Kenmare.) I let him book the hire car for Malaga airport and didn’t he go with some crowd who are known for being good value.

All it takes is one photograph of us in the queue for El Cheapo Motors and I’m toast in Douglas Golf Club. Where could I get a decent disguise

— Monica, Maryborough Hill.

A. Don’t go near a working-class disguise. My brother bought one at an online site called NorriesRUs.ie and kept it in the back of his car in case he ever broke down in Youghal.

He tried it on for a bet two years ago and it turned him into a such a Norry that we actually had a wake in the house for his old self. He even turned up in a T-shirt saying ‘I Do Be Dead, Lah.’

I was warming down after my routine in easily the most expensive gym in Cork when I overheard two women talking about the latest in infidelity.

Apparently, you’re no one in Posh Cork these days if you’re getting bedroom action with a red hot lover From Latvia. (#LatLover for short.) They reckon it’s a bigger accessory than an IPhone X.

I tried to get more information from the two women, but they clammed up because I didn’t go to Scoil Mhuire. (Don’t ask how they knew, like.) Can you find out about this #LatLover craze and where I can get my hands on one?

— Teri, Glasheen

A. My nephew is a social media analyst, which sounds about as exciting as rush hour in Cappoquin. He said there is no sign of #LatLover trending in Cork.

I said I thought as much. He said do you think they made the whole thing up to embarrass your one in Posh Cork circles? I said there’s no need to do that, she’s already admitted she’s from Glasheen.

Hello old stock. Hoggy had a work do last week and didn’t I go along and blow him out of the water by scoring with this 27-year-old Brazilian bird he’s had his eye on for months.

She’s a gorgeous girl and totally comfortable with the fact I don’t really come to life until the fourth Heineken. She said she will date me if I buy some trendy clothes in Superdry. Should I say yes?

— Reggie, Blackrock, I’m 54 on Sunday.

A. I’m 27 on Tinder. My friend has a thing for women half his age, we call him Pervalicious.

I said what would you recommend for a middle-aged man in Superdry? He said ear-plugs and a set of night vision goggles.

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