Home battles: Managing angry children

Margaret Jennings finds abuse of parents by their children is on the increase, but hope exists in the form of a

non-violence resistance programme developed to tackle this largely hidden problem

CONFLICT between young people and their parents is a natural progression as teenagers attempt to establish themselves separately in the world.

It’s almost expected, as parents brace themselves for what is seen as a normal developmental stage.

But that sometimes edgy communication has nothing whatsoever to do with Child to Parent Violence and Abuse (CPVA), where a child or adolescent under the age of 18 is controlling, coercing or dominating a parent or guardian through their abusive behaviour.

It’s hard to believe, but the behaviour of children as young as eight is causing adults in many households in Ireland to walk on eggshells and because we find that difficult to grasp — because it hasn’t received much airtime — parents can often feel shamed into silence and helplessness.

No social class or cultural background is spared: “It doesn’t fit neatly into any one box and that’s the challenge about it; if you could say ‘every family has x in common’, but you can’t say that, as the problem goes across all family and social classes, all cultural groupings and it appears in all kinds of different backgrounds,” says psychotherapist and lecturer in social work at NUIG, Declan Coogan.

There are three factor, however, that all families share in common. First, the parents feel totally alone and unsupported. Second, they feel shame, stigmatised and guilty. The third factor is that over the course of time, they develop habits and interactions in the family where there is violent or abusive behaviour.

“In some families, there is no physical violence towards the parents but there is emotional abuse and harassment and threats,” says Coogan.

In his recently published book Child to Parent Violence and Abuse: Family Interventions With Non-Violent Resistance, he mentions that some children go so far as to threaten to take their own lives, as a weapon in this abuse of power.

“All sorts of behaviours occur — from periodic name calling up to the very severe where it’s physical violence — kicking, pulling hair, punching, kicking and that’s less common than constant harassment,” he tells Feelgood.

The psychotherapist specialises in working collaboratively with parents with a model called Non-Violence Resistance (NVR) which helps them focus on taking action to change the interaction habits between their child and themselves which leads to the use of the abusive or violent behaviour.

The NVR model was drawn up by Coogan in 2009 as an action research project for his PhD, which saw him work in close collaboration with practitioners in the development of a two-day training programme for those working in children and family services.

Using the NVR model in partnership with the parents, the practitioner becomes a type of adviser or coach, supporting them to develop skills for de-escalation, self-control, resistance and protest.

“The programme is a non-blaming, systemic and relatively short-term intervention model that empowers parents and practitioners to take positive action in response to CPVA while respecting and protecting children and all family members,” he says.

“This empowers parents to take their place as a parent in the family. Parents commit to avoiding all forms of abusive behaviour and make a clear announcement to the family that specific types of behaviour are no longer acceptable.

“A clear distinction is also made between the abusive/violent behaviour — which is rejected and resisted — and the child, who is treated with respect and love as a member of the family, in addition to all other members of the family.”

There are now a number of NVR trained personnel in the country, but the problem is that a parent who is seeking support and help has no one central service which deals with the issue.

“CPVA doesn’t fit neatly into any one category for service provision — for some children it could, for instance, be related to mental health issues, but for other kids, it’s not,” he says. “And it’s not a child protection issue because the parents are parenting well and managing the best they can and not abusing their children.

“Commonly, parents feel exhausted and worn out by the behaviour and think there will never be a solution. The NVR model is very hopeful and it’s relatively short-term.”

Ten people have been trained in the NVR programme since 2013 at Parentline, the national telephone support service for parents, and its CEO, Rita O’Reilly, says their use of the model has had some very successful outcomes.

“There’s definitely an increase in the number of calls to us regarding Child to Parent Violence and Abuse,” she says. “Up until seven years ago, we didn’t have CPVA in the home on our records but we anecdotally heard about it and now we have observed it going up every year.”

Most of the calls to Parentline — 84% — are from mothers although some fathers are now also ringing to find out about the NVR support for violence and abuse in the home, says O’Reilly.

“We work with the parent over the phone, which is different to most people — everybody else does is on face to face, or in groups, but that allows us to offer it all over the country, and the parent can stay put and ring whatever time suits.”

she says.

The person seeking help always remains anonymous and the support is given through the “core elements” of the very clear structure of the NVR programme.

Child to Parent Violence and Abuse: Family Interventions With Non-Violent Resistance by Declan Coogan, is published by JKPParentline: 1890-927277/ 01-8733500 www.parentline.ie