My boyfriend has some annoying bedroom habits

My new boyfriend has a few irritating habits in the bedroom, such as quite sloppily nibbling my earlobes, and it feels a bit like bad erotica. I’ve tried moving him away, focusing elsewhere, but he keeps going back to his ‘moves’. I feel as though it would crush him if I said anything. Are we sexually incompatible?

If you believe that actions speak louder than words, moving away from him should be enough. It ought to say: “I don’t like what you are doing, so please stop.” One might think that a sensitive person would understand that the subtext of physical withdrawal during sex is: “Take this blatant hint to save us both from the embarrassment of verbal criticism.” It clearly hasn’t worked, and because your boyfriend doesn’t appear to understand body language, your only option is to be more explicit.

It is an uncomfortable situation; talking about sex is difficult at the best of times, and it’s even more uncomfortable when you’re talking about sex that you aren’t enjoying. However, the universal nature of this phenomenon means it is relatively well-researched. One study from 1989, carried out by Sandra Metts and William Cupach, echoes the concerns you express. Their research explored barriers to sexual communication within relationships and found that people avoided discussions about their sex lives for fear that raising differences might reveal incompatibilities that would threaten the relationship.

In 2017 the psychologist Uzma Rehman at the University of Waterloo, in Canada, compared how couples navigated sexual and non-sexual causes of conflict in their relationship. She found, understandably, that sexual conflict created much more anxiety than non-sexual conflict.

These studies highlight how the potential to cause feelings of embarrassment, shame, confusion, inadequacy and rejection make couples nervous about discussing sex. It wouldn’t matter, if it didn’t matter so much. Several studies have shown that finding it easy to discuss difficult issues with a partner is one of the most important predictors of relationship quality and stability over time, and the same is true for sexual communication.

Rehman’s research found when couples try to talk about sexual difficulties, they tend to be warmer and more responsive to each other, so there is lots of nodding and smiling. Yet, at the same time, these conversations are far more hesitant and cautious, with none of the usual strident back and forth of non-sexual conflict.

Even though they’re meant to be a good thing (and probably better than nothing), these “polite” exchanges felt inauthentic, and this created doubt by making people feel that their partners were withholding their true feelings.

Despite the benefits of being able to talk openly with an intimate partner, research shows that couples consciously “edit” sexual disclosure. In 2009, in a study of 119 couples in long-term relationships (average duration 14 years), Sheila MacNeil and Sandra Byers found that, on average, participants understood 62% of what their partners found to be sexually pleasing, and only 26% of what their partners found to be displeasing.

The fact that you don’t like your boyfriend’s ‘moves’ doesn’t make you incompatible, but pussyfooting around his sexual idiosyncrasies to preserve his self-esteem is pointless. If he doesn’t know how you feel, he can’t respond, and all you are doing is creating a phoney sexual intimacy that ignores 74% of what is turning you off. In the long term, that level of compromise is unsustainable, so if you want to stay with him, liberate your relationship from the constraints of sexual politeness and tell him what you like, and what you don’t like, in plain English.

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