10 things to do that are better than the World Cup

Ed Power rounds up the best non-World Cup activities to help keep you sane while everyone else dons their soccer pundit hat and becomes an offside rule expert.

Hurrah, the World Cup is here. Ahead lies a month of soccer, soccer punditry, going to the pub to watch soccer and people striking up random conversations with you about soccer the moment you leave the house (what did you think of Russia v Saudi Arabia?).

What’s that? You couldn’t care a fig for false nines, inverted wingbacks and video-assisted refereeing?

Our recommendation is you kiss your loved ones goodbye and book a Caribbean cruise until the end of July. That’s the only way you’re going to escape World Cup mania.

In the unlikely event a Caribbean cruise until the end of July isn’t an option, however, fret not. Here is our ultimate countdown of non-World Cup activities with which to distract yourself while everyone else debates the merits of England v Belgium…….zzzzz (nodded off again haven’t you?).

1: Watch Television

Scientists have just made a shocking discovery. Apparently there are things on television other than soccer (yes, I know).

For instance, abb-solutely fabulous Cornish adventurer Poldark has just returned to BBC on Sunday nights. Aidan Turner is still glowering a lot and wearing that silly hat — but had his top off in episode one, with some viewers reportedly still in a swoon.

Speaking of ludicrous costumery, acclaimed, 80s-set ladies wrestling drama Glow is back on Netflix on June 29.

And you obviously know all about Love Island, the pecs ’n bikini extravaganza unfolding nightly on TV3 for the next fortnight and which is best approached as a sort of World Cup of Flirtation.

Meanwhile, if you absolutely must watch men with ridiculous hair and absurd jerseys dashing about in hurry, why not tune in to the new season of Netflix’s Queer Eye, returning today?

In a more sombre vein the final episodes of Westworld season two arrive across the next two Mondays — where the mystery of the eponymous theme park will hopefully be solved.

Thus far the second series has made about as much sense as Ireland’s defending against Denmark — fingers crossed that, unlike Ireland, they pull it out of the coals at the death.

2: Listen to a Podcast

You have of course already consumed West Cork, Audible’s extraordinary revisiting of the Sophie Toscan du Plantier killing which reminded us of the surreal aftermath and legal complexities of the case without patronising the citizens of West Cork (the English presenters even managed to correctly pronounce “gardaí”).

As follow-up, what about Making Obama, a chronicling of the rise of the last American president you’d trust to not burn your house down while you were away? It’s from WBEZ Chicago, the network behind the crime podcast to rule them all, Serial.

Or, for something a little more dramatic, there is Sandra, essentially a downloadable radio play, with Arrested Development’s Alia Shawkat as a tech employee whose job is to voice an Alexa-esque personal assistant.

Ethan Hawke and Kristen Wiig are among the other A-listers to feature. There are lots (and lots) of World Cup podcasts, but let’s agree not to mention them.

3: Go to a gig

Cork’s Live at the Marquee is now in full swing, with Nile Rodgers and Chic visiting Sunday, Picture This on Tuesday and Wednesday, and The Script the following week.

Also coming to Cork is crooner Rufus Wainwright, who plays July 9.

In Dublin, it’s the TayTay show with Taylor Swift kicking off two evenings at Croke Park tonight and — for something completely different — The National playing in Donnybrook over the same dates.

The following weekend Body and Soul Festival is at Ballinlough Estate Westmeath, with scowling Swedish singer Fever Ray headlining and Billy Joel is at the Aviva Stadium (yes it is vaguely ironic than you’re going to a soccer stadium to flee the World Cup).

4: Play a Board Game

Board games are vogue (ish), with a dedicated gaming cafe, TableTopCork, opening at Castle Street recently (after a successful campaign on crowdfunding site Kickstarter) and game nights springing up across the country.

Where to start? Well, Zombicide is a fun romp for beginners (or at least beginners who don’t mind combatting plastic zombies) while the alternative post-First World War strategy game Scythe is recommended for more hardcore players. More fun than a penalty shootout — plus there’s a chance England (aka the Albion “faction”) won’t lose at the end.

Or you could try something light and silly, such as Hey, That’s My Fish!, in which players take on the roles of penguins battling for the last fish on an ice floe.

5: Have a laugh

Mock the Week presenter Dara Ó Briain returns to the old sod for performances at Vicar Street Dublin until June 28 and the line-up for the Vodafone Comedy Festival at the Iveagh Gardens in Dublin has been announced, with Jamie Lee (from HBO’s Crashing), Joe List (Netflix’s The Stand Ups) and Nicole Byer (Nailed It!) among the headliners, plus Irish comics David O’Doherty, Jason Byrne, Tommy Tiernan etc.

Granted, the World Cup will be long over by July 26-29, but, as you’ll be working through all of that post-soccer stress disorder, giggles will no doubt be gratefully received.

6: Play a video game

Among teenagers, Fortnite is an even hotter topic than the offside rule. For the rest of us, big games this season include Super Smash Brothers Ultimate on Nintendo Switch — in which favourites from the Nintendo face-off in a series of fighting contests — and Jurassic World Evolution, based on the blockbuster dino romp.

The latter is a “business simulation” game, which sounds a snooze until you consider the business you are simulating is a dinosaur theme park (take care the dinosaurs don’t break out and snack on the visitors as it is sure to induce negative sentiment among shareholders).

7: Go to a Festival

Irish festival season is in full swing. As already mentioned, Body and Soul gets underway next weekend (the bill also includes John Hopkins and Iron and Wine).

July, meanwhile, welcomes Galway Arts Festival (July 16-29), with a mixture of theatre, film, art and music (including The Flaming Lips, Caribou and Madness).

Also upcoming are Bare in the Woods in Carlow (July 6, 7) and, at Macroom, Co Cork from July 20-22 , Townlands Carnival, where Sister Sledge, Leftfield (DJing) feature alongside local acts King Kong Company and The Eskies.

8: Enjoy a Play

The powerhouse adaptation of Louise O’Neill’s Asking For It continues at Cork’s Everyman until June 23.

Also as part of the city’s Midsummer Festival (running until June 23), Corcadorca theatre company will stage Elias Canetti’s The Numbered from June 15- 30 and dance theatre company Junk Ensemble perform Man At the Door (Number 54) in Sunbeam Bingo Hall, Blackpool.

9: Educate Your Taste Buds

Summer is stuffed with food and drink festivals. The merits of Tayto v Hunky Dory will be explored at the Eatyard Crisp Festival at the Bernard Shaw in Dublin, June 14-17, while bars across the country will celebrate the return of gin as the hipster’s favourite drink at the Irish Gin and Tonic Festival June 23- 30 (greatirishbeverages.com).

For something more down to earth, the Ballina Salmon Festival is July 8-15.

10: Go for a Walk

When “footie fever” reaches boiling point, head out for some fresh air. Yes, the weather’s gone all horrible again.

But you’re not in search of a tan — just for some relief from the endless banging on about sport.

As you ramble, breath deep and consider how much worse it might be had Ireland actually qualified.