Swipe right for love? Three men on the jungle that is online dating

It’s never been easier to hook up online but starting a relationship is another matter. Steve Neville, Cillian Sherlock and Greg Murphy share their experiences

It’s never been easier to hook up online but starting a relationship is another matter. Three men share their experiences

Steve Neville, 26

THE older generations in my family frequently talk about the slow dance at a nightclub. ‘The Clinger’, they call it, and they smile as a flood of fond memories return.

“How do you meet someone without a slow set?” They make it seem like dating was so easy.

It is a far cry from the current scene. The Tinder effect has completely changed the rules of dating.

Dating apps are the new normal. If you’re young and single, chances are the last date you had came via a dating app. Approaching someone in a coffee shop and asking them on a date is resigned to the movies.

But is the modern world of dating better? Tinder has often been criticised as an app for hook-ups and casual sex, with long-term love a rarity. It’s very easy to swipe through a number of profiles and swipe right for someone because you think they’re good looking. It’s pretty superficial.

Getting a match is a huge ego boost, though. But it’s artificial and short-lived. It can immediately disappear if you match with someone you quite like and they don’t reply — dating is hard enough without the added self-doubt.

The other problem is new matches can get stale. The addictive nature of swiping means you might forget that Mr or Ms Right might be waiting for you to start a conversation.

In that regard, modern dating sounds awful.

But once you agree on meeting someone, that dating jungle becomes a little clearer. And better.

The rules of engagement have changed but the engagement itself is still the same — be yourself, be nice, be respectful.

Talking to someone in person is infinitely better than messaging. You also find out pretty quick if the chemistry between you is real.

My last two dates came from dating apps.

The first resulted in a second date but that’s where it ended (her decision), the other was one date only (my decision).

And even though they came to nothing, both encounters were far more enjoyable than a conversation through a phone.

Dating is different these days. Certainly harder. Apps have made the dating pool an ocean.

But maybe that’s better. Because when true love does come along, you appreciate it more after escaping from the jungle.

And until it does come calling, it’s back to that jungle with a hop, skip, and a swipe.

Cillian Sherlock, 24

The irony of being single and talking about modern romance isn’t lost on me. Dating is supposedly now easier than ever. Your phone can lead you to a new potential soulmate every couple of minutes. There are so many options: Tinder, Bumble, Happn, the first of which alone boasts 20bn matches worldwide.

Except, it doesn’t really work, does it?

While I think it is a generally positive thing that the apps can be useful for quick, casual hook-ups, I don’t think they are conducive for starting a real relationship.

I know that might just be me. I have a few friends who have ended up in serious relationships from these apps, but plenty more who are stumbling through the dating world as haphazardly as the rest of us.

I’ve moved to several cities where I’ve known practically no one and thought “maybe this time Tinder will be worth a go”. However, it was always only a couple of days before the “You haven’t swiped in a while” notification led me to delete the app.

The level of interaction just isn’t for me. I’m worried that through the dating gamification of these apps, people are forgetting how to actually talk to each other in person and probably developing unhealthy attitudes towards others.

I found that even setting up your own Tinder profile can be stressful — trying to figure out what looks or reads well, like LinkedIn for singles.

Nothing beats actually meeting someone and having a genuine conversation with them, as opposed to spouting ‘cheeky chat-up lines’ and GIFs at them over your phone — all to possibly just get ignored with no explanation.

For me, if your attitude is “I need to find a girlfriend/boyfriend” — you’re starting off on the wrong foot. A partnership isn’t something you find when you’re looking for it, you should be focusing on expanding your social circles and meeting new people in general.

Getting to know people around their friends contributes way more to a healthy relationship and just a more comfortable process overall. To this end, Tinder itself launched ‘Tinder Social’ where groups could arrange to meet up with each other. However, the feature’s identity was a bit confused, doubling-down on the contrived and superficial nature of a Tinder conversation, only with the added element of competitiveness with your friends. It was ultimately scrapped, reportedly for not fitting cleanly with the company’s future direction.

I used to feel like it was a difficult world out there with so many options, avenues, and things you need to worry about, before I realised I should stop agonising over spinning all the plates and just relax.

Greg Murphy, 27

Online seems like something of a foreign concept to me, given that I seem to have missed the boom in social dating.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend Denise for over five years, and at the time we started chatting, dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble weren’t really a thing.

The way we connected might seem ‘old fashioned’ even though it happened in the digital age.

We had previously met in the first year of college but didn’t even have our first proper conversation for at least three years.

We began chatting on Facebook having realised we had similar interests and it kind of grew from there — we missed out on the apps by a couple of months.

We met up a few times and really got to know each other quite well — I definitely felt a lot more comfortable being able to chat to Denise face to face and get to know her rather than sending streams of texts or messages in a chat window.

I think social dating apps and websites are a good idea for those who want to meet new people. They make it easier to get in contact and arrange dates, plus individual profile information make it easier to find someone with shared interests.

I suppose, in a way, if it weren’t for Facebook, neither myself nor Denise would have known we had similar interests or arranged to meet up for coffee.

I wouldn’t say it is unique the way Denise and myself got together; a number of our friends met similarly, having previously met and then chatted through social media until finally biting the bullet and asking each other out.

I can see the advantage in social media and apps in helping people meet others, having been a crucial part in how I started my relationship, but there is nothing quite like being able to sit and have a conversation with a person you like and really get to know them properly.

There is only so much you can learn through the screen of a phone.