Sex advice with Suzi Godson: I hate the sexy underwear my boyfriend bought for me

My new boyfriend bought me some “sexy” underwear for Christmas that I hate. I wore it once, hoping that would be enough, but ever since he has kept hinting that I should wear it again because he enjoyed it so much. I don’t want to hurt his feelings - but I don’t know why I have to get dressed up for sex.

My new boyfriend bought me some “sexy” underwear for Christmas that I hate. I wore it once, hoping that would be enough, but ever since he has kept hinting that I should wear it again because he enjoyed it so much. I don’t want to hurt his feelings - but I don’t know why I have to get dressed up for sex.

It’s a little late for a guide on “what not to buy a woman for Christmas”, but if there were a list, sexy underwear would definitely be on it. The same applies for Valentine’s Day next month, however tempting it may seem as a gift.

Lingerie may be marketed as the ultimate declaration of appreciation, but it is such a relationship and retail minefield that it is generally only given by naive new boyfriends who don’t know their partners very well. Your man’s present was probably a well-intentioned attempt to bestow a gift that signified your sexual connection, but your reaction only highlights the uncomfortable gap between who you are and who he thinks you might be.

You are not, of course, the only woman wishing that the racy lingerie now languishing at the back of your knicker drawer could be swapped for a luxury weekend away, say, or a fantastic piece of art. In a recent poll of 1,600 British women, one in four admitted that they had worn their sexy gift just once and six out of ten admitted absolutely hating leather, PVC, fishnets and “edible” sexy underwear. Even French women, who we presume still have matching black lace even on a “slummy” day, give so-called sexy lingerie the thumbs down. A 2015 consumer poll of French women’s underwear preferences found that 80% preferred to wear comfortable underwear rather than sexy lingerie — which seems like a fairly obvious preference to me.

Between romantic partners, gifts are a manifestation of attention, sensitivity and appreciation. They demonstrate how much you understand each other’s unique tastes, passions, preferences and even cup size. Well-chosen, beautifully made, correctly sized underwear can be a lovely gift, but buying it unaided is risky.

Women who have an interest in lingerie above purely practical measures will have very specific ideas about what they want. And women who don’t already wear it generally don’t want or like the fancy stuff, and buying it for them is likely to be a waste of money. Just as no woman in her right mind would dream of giving her otherwise conservative male partner a pair of snug silk boxers when he normally sports baggy cotton ones, no sensible man should assume that a female partner who never wears sexy lingerie will be willing to dress herself up in it just because she has been given it as a present.

Lingerie is a present that comes wrapped in expectation for the recipient and it is often difficult to work out who, exactly, the present was bought for. Your new boyfriend must like the way you look in it, but if wearing it makes sex feel like a performance and his requests feel a bit like demands, you will end up feeling resentful. I know you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but it’s always best to be clear at the beginning, as soon as you opened the present.

By smiling and putting it on, you led him to believe that he had given you a gift that you liked and, more importantly, you denied yourself the opportunity to swap it for something you might actually want. Make sure you tell him the truth now, before you get something you hate even more for your birthday.

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