It’s important to give children independence from an early age

Mareike Graepel has no problem letting her eight-year-old daughter walk to school with three other girls from her class and return on her own if they stay over for lunch.

YEARS ago, we brought our first-born daughter to California on a holiday — to be utterly surprised at the parenting tips we received on beaches and campsites, all advising us to protect our child more.

With curiosity, I recently came across Achtung, Baby, the book by American author Sara Zaske (expected to be published later this year), who in turn was stunned by the sheer und utter laissez faire she experienced among parents in Berlin.

I am a mum-of-two, I used to live in Cork for years before returning back home to Germany with my Irish husband.

My eldest daughter, who will be nine in August, is allowed to go to the bakery on Saturday and Sunday mornings to get breakfast rolls (brötchen), or to get fresh ice cream at the café around the corner.

We have no problem letting her walk to school with three other girls from her class and return on her own if they stay over for lunch when she doesn’t.

Tuesday afternoons she is allowed to go to volleyball practice on her own and I let her even stay at home for a few minutes when I have to pick up her younger sister, who is aged five.

In several states in the US I could get into serious trouble over this.

I’ve had no calls from child protection authorities here, yet. But when I look at our girls, I see that they are stronger than I ever hoped, because we let them be independent.

Sara Zaske describes how she freaked and screamed ‘achtung!’ at a playground where children dangled from a 20ft wooden dragon while the parents sat nearby, relaxed and unfazed.

I remember a similar incident when a child nearly ran off a climbing tower at a playground and I shouted ‘stop!’ just in time.

My mother told me I should mind my own business. Still, I am glad I shouted and that the child stopped.

It is important to remember that Berlin is far more metropolitan than the small town we live in (though that might mean even more admiration for parents who let their child become ‘selbstständig’ or independent).

Also, it scares the bejesus out of me when my nine-year-old does all those things on her own.

There are two very simple reasons I cannot supervise her every step: One, I need to prepare her for the moments when I just cannot be around (hopefully only because of work or dentist appointments or rock concerts and not because of tragic circumstances).

And, two, I want to be able to go to work or the dentist or rock concerts again without worrying.

This mix of being selfless and selfish makes me take a deep breath every time she heads out on her own, talk to her about what ‘freedom’ means until the cows come home and shake my head about parents who drive their children everywhere, cling onto them like magnets and give up their own personality entirely.

But as much as I would love to agree with Achtung, Baby and its free-to- roam approach — I don’t see that as an overall German parenting style.

I know more mothers who hold their child’s hand nonstop until they are 12 (or older) than who don’t.

I even know of a father who waited outside party venues until 3am to watch over his daughter until well after she had finished secondary school.

Is it laziness when parents just do everything with and for their children? Believe me, it takes time to walk the way to school for weeks until your child can do it alone.

It is tiring to repeat a million times why talking to strangers is a no-go and what your child should do in case they are approached.

And my anxiety levels soar when my girl is five minutes later than normal (and all I can think of is the scene from Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery when the child gets hit by a truck).

Aren’t children safer when they know how to do things by themselves? I believe it makes them strong, it makes them self-reliant. And they are so proud of their own achievements.

When I dared to pick up my older daughter from school on her second day, she walked past me, hissing: “You said, you’d only pick me up on the first day. That was yesterday.”

And she stomped home, annoyed. I have never picked her up since.

However, I don’t let her boss me around. I call the shots and so she gets told what she is allowed to do, given that we can rely on her.

This is a matter of preparing her well so she knows what to do whichever situation she might experience.

I think it would be great if we all would relax a little — internationally, in Germany as well as Ireland.

Would I say the same if I was still living in Ireland? I don’t know.

Maybe I would use excuses like, “there are no cycle or footpaths on the way to school” if we lived in Cork or Dublin, yeah. Or maybe my children would be the only ones walking to school.

By the way, we get a babysitter when we go to rock concerts. Don’t call the authorities on me quite yet.

The German approach to parenting

• Let your child be independent, it leads to greater self-reliance.
• Don’t let your child be the boss at home. You decide on how to spend your life.
• Be responsible for your child’s actions, but in a good way: teach them the right behaviour long before a possible situation arises and not afterwards.
• Teach your child the rules of the road. It saves lives.
• Teach your child how to react to strangers.
• Teach your children to solve their own disputes and only engage when they get into a physical fight. This prepares them for adulthood more easily than intervening all the time.
• Trust your child — you will get a lot in return.