Two writers give their take on who should settle the bill on a first date
Deirdre Reynolds
TO pay or not to pay — when it comes to first dates, that, it seems, is most definitely the question.
RTÉ’s version of the hit British dating show First Dates has wooed more than a quarter of a million viewers since it first graced small screens last April.
But it’s not the search for romance that has audiences throughout the land glued to their sofas on Thursday nights if Twitter is to be trusted, but the age-old debate over who should pay.
For those who reside under a rock, the reality TV show sees two complete strangers set up on a blind date — before deciding on camera whether they want to go on a second.
In keeping with tradition, by and large, it’s been the lads who’ve dug deep to cover the cost of dinner and drinks at the now famous First Dates restaurant at The Gibson Hotel in Dublin.
On a few car-crash occasions, however, the ladies have been left fumbling around in their Mickey Kors for their half of the bill, unsurprisingly sparking a gender war on the microblogging site.
Such is the level of consternation over the cheque that one singleton even took to social media to confirm that he did, in fact, “PAY THE BILL” on the show, contrary to speculation.
As a nation, we’re famous for taking the Mrs Doyle approach to picking up the tab (‘No, no, no, I’m getting this!’).
Irish women, in particular, can routinely be seen arm wrestling over that seemingly innocuous slip of white paper in restaurants and cafes up and down the country.
On one recent night out in the capital, a friend and I were making such a brouhaha over the bill (‘I insist!’, ‘No, I insist!’), that the weary bar man simply walked away and returned with two separate bills split straight down the middle.
It clearly wasn’t the first time he’d had to referee such a bout over burgers.
Curiously, when it comes to dating, it appears we’re not quite as forthcoming with our cash.
One survey last year found that more than one in four women aged 25-34 still expect a guy to whip out his wallet on a first date.
A straw poll of 10 of my own pals in that age group revealed the true figure could be much higher, with just one saying she’d be entirely happy to go Dutch - so long as he offered to pay first.
“I love watching First Dates but I hate when a girl makes a big deal of the guy paying and then tells him she’s not interested,” she confided.
“I think the bill should be split.
“Having said that, if I was asked on a date, I’d like to see them offer to pay — but then I’d pay my share anyway.”
The majority were far less magnanimous.
“The guy should pay,” decreed one, “definitely. I’d offer to pay, but wouldn’t be impressed if he agreed to split it.
“I think the girl should offer, but the guy should pay on the first date,” agreed another. “But if he didn’t pay on the first date, I wouldn’t be going on a second!”
Much as I hate to admit it, and at the risk of having my feminist card revoked, I tend to agree.
Once it’s ‘Facebook official’, I’m all in favour of going 50-50, preferring to operate a rota system on date nights.
On that flirty first night out however, it’s fork up or walk away. Forget about equality, male or female, platonic or romantic.
There are few greater turn-off in a person than meanness.
And someone who’s stingy with their savings — whether they’re Christian Grey or Christian Nay - is likely to be just as stingy with their time and emotions, among other things.
Survey after survey shows that money is the number one cause of conflict among couples.
If a dude won’t even stump up for a cappuccino on the first date, what hope is there when it comes to jointly paying the mortgage or childcare down the line —never mind flowers on your birthday.
It’s not about bagging a billionaire like Anastasia Steele.
Personally, I’d much prefer a guy to treat me to a McDonalds than invite me to l’Ecrivain and quibble over who ate more of the petit fours.
Having recently emerged from a long-term relationship, I’m open to offers for either, FYI.
When I do brave my first date in over a decade, though, assuming he’s done the asking, I’ll be leaving my purse at home — and can only pray not to hear the dreaded word ‘splitsies?’.
We’ve all got our own internal codes and rules we like to live by — they’re as comfortable as routine.
One of my own rules is that I like to pay on the first date. My justification is relatively simple.
I’m invariably the person who asks the other person out for the first time, therefore it’s on me. It’s simply good manners in my book.
I was wary on how I would articulate these sentiments before I started typing, lest I land in the stink and unwittingly become a social media villain who holds the worst old-fashioned sexist views.
Paying for the other party on a first date doesn’t fall along gender lines within my internal logic.
Whether it’s a man or a woman, two fellas, or two women on a first date, the party doing the asking is the party doing the paying.
(Disclaimer: Even if I was the person who was asked out, I think I’d still offer to pay. I know, I know — totally contradictory. But as Popeye says, I am what I am.)
Like a job interview or playing that cup final, the margin for error in a first date is cruelly thin.
First impressions do count.
You’ve got to give yourself every chance.
Turn up in a crumpled unironed shirt that makes you look like you took a dip in the canal before arriving at the bar or restaurant and you won’t be getting a second date.
Just because you read a Noam Chomsky or John Pilger article on your summer holiday and now you know exactly how evil imperialist American/British/Russian foreign policy is and how easy it would be to solve the geopolitical crises of the day if they just listened to you, doesn’t mean you have to bring it up while getting to know your date.
Leave the Facebook giant of intellectual political argument persona at home, unless mutually interested in geopolitics.
To get things off to a good start, lash into those Tic-Tacs, have that hair shiny, polish your shoes, wear that new shirt that boosts your confidence.
Otherwise, you’ll be getting the ‘I had a lovely night but…’ or even worse, his/her phone will go off five minutes after returning from a restroom break with the time-honoured emergency at home.
Offering to pay does count towards formulating that lasting impression.
By explicitly telling your date that you’ll be going halves, it’s psychologically aggressive and immediately putting the other person on the defensive.
It’s almost an order, of wanting to dominate. Even saying you would like to go halves is suggestive, like rules have to be set immediately.
By saying you’d like to pick up the tab, it’s not uncommon for the other party to suggest paying his or her way.
I tend to reiterate that I’d like to pay a couple of times, gently emphasising my reasoning in one sentence: ‘I invited you out’. It tends to work.
If then she insists, however, then I’m fine with that too. No need to push it.
Second date? It tends to fall along the same lines. If the first goes well, I’ll invariably ask her out again. And so the dance continues.
For those who vehemently disagree with me, don’t fret. The time will come within a few dates where the question of splitting the bill will resolve itself of its own volition.
Suck it up until then. You never know, he/she could be a keeper. And what’s a few bucks if it leads to a lifetime of happiness?
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