Tips on how to explain a miscarriage to kids

YOUR child was expecting a sibling and now it’s not going to happen. Approximately 80% of miscarriages happen in early pregnancy but later miscarriages do occur, after the 12-week mark.

How do you tell your child and help them through the loss?

“Parents need first to attend to their own emotional needs before they can get their heads around telling their child,” says clinical psychotherapist Joanna Fortune ( www.solamh.com ).

Young children are very attuned to parents’ behavioural and emotional states and will pick up on your sadness – and wonder if they’ve caused it.

Fortune advises explaining: ‘I’m feeling sad now. It’s nothing to do with you. I love you and I will be alright again’.

But having told your child a baby was on the way – and now that has changed – you will need to give an explanation.

“Children don’t forget about things like that. One day, they’ll turn around and say where’s the baby – that can be very unsettling for a mum,” says Fortune.

She says young children have a limited understanding of pregnancy and death – it can be difficult for them to fathom loss of a baby they haven’t seen.

“It’s a very abstract notion for them.”

She recommends using non-ambivalent language.

Avoid saying ‘we’ve lost the baby’ – a young child will interpret that you’ve mislaid it and aren’t looking for it – or ‘the baby fell asleep and didn’t wake up’ because the child may develop fear around sleep.

There’s no prescribed script, says Fortune, who suggests something like ‘it’s like planting seeds – some can grow into healthy plants. This seed didn’t grow. The baby wasn’t strong enough to grow and come out of Mummy’s tummy like you’.

“If parents have faith, they might say the baby has gone to Heaven.”

Marking the loss by releasing a helium balloon together as a family or planting a tree can be helpful.

“Giving the baby a name makes it easier for child and parents to talk about it.”

Fortune urges parents to accept their child’s reaction.

“You tell them the news and they say ‘are we going to the park?’. They just want to know ‘is my life still the same’.

"Or they might listen, change the subject, go off to play and come back later when they’ve assimilated the information and ask ‘what has happened’.”

While parents worry about upsetting children with their grief, it’s valuable for children to see difficult emotions, says Fortune, who nevertheless encourages keeping as much as possible to the usual routines.

TOP TIPS

* Keep explanation simple. Respond to children’s worries and fears.

* Respect child’s reaction — don’t pressure them to talk about it.

* Parents shouldn’t hide grief — it’s valuable children learn it’s ok to express emotion.

* Under 10s don’t have an adult understanding of grief.

* Goodbye Baby: Cameron’s Story by Gillian Griffiths is a book that provides comfort and reassurance for children affected by miscarriage.