How to deal with ‘shyness’ in a child

In helping a child overcome reticence, it’s important not to label your child ‘shy’ – or say ‘don’t be shy’.

THE teacher takes you aside and confides that your child doesn’t speak up much in class.

He’s reluctant to read aloud, tries to avoid class presentations and is monosyllabic when asked for an opinion.

The behaviour can manifest very early, says registered psychologist Niamh Hannan ( www.mindworks.ie ).

“Young children may hide behind mammy’s skirts and refuse to talk to adults or other children.”

Your child’s personality will probably have given a hint of the difficulty even before teacher confirms it.

“Some children are outgoing social beings. Others need support and lots of practice to attain the same social skills.

"Your child may be boisterous when with people they’re comfortable with – and suddenly quiet and reticent with strangers or in school situations,” says Hannan.

The most simple explanation is some people are born extroverts, others are more introverted, and many are somewhere along the spectrum.

“Introverts can learn all the social skills – they just need more time and practice. It’s not as easy for them and there may be lots of anxiety to overcome,” advises Hannan.

If your child is usually socially confident, yet won’t read aloud or speak up in class, it may be down to a negative experience they’ve had.

“Explore this with them, ask about it, acknowledge any difficult feelings,” recommends Hannan.

If the reluctance is always around reading, it may be to do with a reading/learning difficulty. Check practical issues too, such as hearing and sight ability.

In helping the child overcome his reticence, it’s important not to label your child ‘shy’ – or say ‘don’t be shy’. Avoid pushing or forcing.

“This just gives the child a negative experience which reinforces their reluctance and makes the whole association even more negative in their mind,” says Hannan, who finds role play a useful strategy.

“Beginning with just one parent, read with the child. Get them to read to you. When they’re comfortable, get them to do it in front of both parents or involve a sibling.”

Make talking to a group fun. Pretend you’re all putting on a show, take turns being ‘on stage’ and being the audience, take the focus off it being just about them.

“Everyone takes their turn. This could be reading, introducing the next act, thanking the audience, a puppet show that needs introduction, karaoke – the ideas are endless.

"Just make it fun so the child relaxes and hardly realises they’re doing it,” recommends Hannan.

TOP TIPS

* Teach children social skills, eg making eye contact and smiling.

* Be your child’s cheerleader — praise effort, clap for their ‘show’ efforts, encourage them to take a bow/doff their hat — keep it positive.

* When doing class presentation, teach them to focus on a point just over the audience’s heads. Making direct eye contact could distract them or create feelings of intimidation.

* Identify fears. Does your child fear being laughed at if they speak/read aloud?