Mocks are useful but not worth all the stress
TO the trees whoâs paper I defaced while doing my mocks these past two weeks: Iâm sorry. I tried. Promise.
The past several weeks have been pretty stressful for me and thousands of other Leaving Cert students across the country, as we drudged through subject after subject, trying to retain anything that might be useful for our mock exams.
Luckily, mine are done now, but my heart genuinely goes out to those who have yet to face them. Youâll be okay guys. If I can make it through two maths papers without sobbing hysterically, anyone can.
Itâs a little worrying that Iâm not exaggerating when I say that. I admittedly had a bad term; on the lead up to Christmas I overloaded myself and totally burned out. Even after reassuring both myself and those around me that I was taking plenty of breaks, it turned out that that was, in fact, not true at all. However, just in case I wasnât feeling fatigued enough already, I thought it would be a good idea to contract a weird flu that would last for weeks.
The penny finally dropped when my Japanese teacher sent me home from class to get some rest. I realised that taking care of myself had been shoved to the very bottom of my to-do list. I was more concerned with A Thig NĂĄ Tit Orm than I was with getting 8 hours sleep. I might as well have thrown my mental health into a blender and fed it to my cat.
It was as if the mocks were preventing me from taking care of myself, and to say that I was stressed would be a dramatic understatement. I developed the charming habit of gritting my teeth together when I was anxious, which caused my jaw to ache so much I couldnât sleep at night. The thought of studying made me feel physically sick; I was so overwhelmed by what I didnât know, I couldnât even remember what I did. I was haunted â and will continue to be until my results come back â by what my teachers would say about my results, and how disappointed both they and my parents would be. It was as though my self-worth was on the line, not my grades.
In part Iâm glad I did the mocks, aching jaw and all. I understand timing better, I know the layouts of papers, and I know where Iâm at, both my strongest and weakest. I have new starting points to work from, and for that Iâm grateful.
But Iâm still not sure it was worth the sleepless nights, the tears, the shaky hands, sitting through classes I couldnât focus in because I felt guilty taking a day off, and, for a while there, believing I was a bad person for not working harder.
So to everyone and anyone I say good luck! Youâre not a bad person for fudging up the mocks. They are made to be fudged up. Itâs their destiny. Sorry, trees. Weâre trying, promise.
