Why it's nurture and not nature that defines boys in the family unit

Singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor is being pitied on social media for giving birth to her fourth son. Arlene Harris is outraged. When did we decide daughters are superior to sons?

I have three beautiful, healthy, happy children and yet for the past decade this news has been met with a mixture of pity and horror — why on earth, I hear you ask?

Yes, I have often wondered this myself, but society nowadays seems to hold a grudge against the male of the species and I happen to have created three of them.

All of my sons are unique and different from each other — sure, they share some familial similarities, but for the most part, they are each their own person with individual traits and quirks.

He's here! Baby Jesse Jones, born on Tuesday 3rd November and now home safe with his family. We are… https://t.co/9hZg6HY1PR

— Sophie Ellis-Bextor (@SophieEB) November 7, 2015

Which is why it annoys me so much when people lump them all in together ‘because they are boys’. If I had a cent for every time someone said that boys always behave in a totally different way to girls, I would be a rich woman.

For years I have endured the gasps when people hear I have three sons — they wonder how I cope with the noise, chaos, dirt, laziness and so on. They tilt their heads with pity when they wonder how I will fare when they all leave home and neglect me in my dotage — ‘if only you had a daughter’, they say in hushed tones, ‘they always look after their mothers’.

Big thanks to the amazing staff of @ChelwestFT Chelsea & Westminster hospital. They made Jesse's arrival in the world as smooth as could be.

— Sophie Ellis-Bextor (@SophieEB) November 13, 2015

What utter rot.

I know many women who don’t get on with their mothers and do everything they can to avoid them. I also know men who take better care of their parents than their sisters do, including a family of 12 sons and one precious daughter, the youngest child. You would think the daughter would be the closest to her mum, but the sons all live within spitting distance of their family home while the daughter emigrated to Australia, leaving the elderly parents’ well cared for by their male offspring.

On the subject of boys being ‘out-of-control lunatics’ (as my friend’s neighbour once implied), in my 17 years of parenting, I have never had my house trashed or my heart broken by my supposedly wilful sons. Of course, like all children, they have had plenty of ‘moments’ but for the most part, they are well-mannered, thoughtful, kind and loving.

And while I have had school reports saying they could work harder in certain subjects, in general, all three study hard, get good grades and never get into trouble in school.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her boys

I am by no means implying that my children are angels as they are far from it, but they are individuals, not simply boys.

Sophie Ellis Bexter has just given birth to her fourth son amid a flurry of online activity claiming ‘she must have wanted a daughter’ and ‘how awful it must be to have four boys in the house’. If the situation was the other way around and she had four daughters, there would be hell to pay if anyone made such disparaging comments. But nowadays, it is not only deemed acceptable to belittle the men in our lives, but has become almost obligatory.

It’s ok for TV adverts to objectify and ridicule men and it’s practically compulsory for women to poke fun at the inadequacy of their partners. This is all done under the guise of ‘feminism’ but it doesn’t wash. Our ancestors fought for equality and while there are still many areas in which this hasn’t been reached, we aren’t making progress by simply teaching the next generation of girls that they are superior to boys.

And it’s not just the media who is to blame — studies (in the UK) have shown that education is geared towards girls and because they are constantly being praised while boys are told they aren’t good enough means the female of the species is striding ahead while their male counterparts are left nursing their battered egos.

I have seen this first-hand on many occasions throughout the years — we are supposedly supporting equal rights, yet sports coaches regularly award the girls double points in games against the boys and then when they (obviously) win, the defeated boys are instructed to carry the winners’ gear bags back to the school.

Other events have seen the boys being wrongly accused for incidents because the girls ‘couldn’t possibly have been involved’ and more worryingly when one of my sons was at a swimming lesson a few years ago, he was pulled under the water by a girl with a butter-wouldn’t-melt look. When he resurfaced and tried to lash out, he was hauled out of the pool and told in no uncertain terms that he was lying about her behaviour and it would serve him right if he drowned.

I know I am ranting but as a woman, I think we have taken things too far in the quest for equality. Boys are not more badly behaved than girls and by the same token, girls get up to no more mischief than boys — people are people end of story.

And the sooner we realise that it’s personality and upbringing rather than gender which defines a person, the better. Otherwise, all the girls who have been brought up to deride the men in their lives will regret it when the husbands-of-the-future have either become beaten-down and spineless or have no respect whatsoever for their arrogant wives.

So before you come out with another cliché about boys; think about the next generation.

And congratulations Sophie on your new arrival.