Why are more men turning their back to sex?
NOT TONIGHT dear, I’ve got a headache. For generations it’s been the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card played by women in the bedroom to fob off amorous other halves.
Now, though, an increasing number of wives and girlfriends here could find themselves on the receiving end of that old chestnut on date night.
Around 110,000 Irish men now suffer from Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome — symptoms of which include low libido and erectile dysfunction — studies show.
But it’s not just grandads whose sex drive is going into reverse as the ‘manopause’ sets in.
“Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome (TDS) used to be called ‘male menopause’, which was a complete misnomer,” explains Dr Andrew Rynne of the Men’s Sexual Health Clinic in Clane.
“Usually, it’s age-related — in other words, the older a man gets, the less testosterone is produced — and about 20 per cent of over-sixties are affected.
“In recent years though, I’m seeing more and more younger men in their 30s and 40s suffering from TDS. Very often, it’s stress-related, with symptoms such as anxiety or panic attacks.”
When her boyfriend of almost a decade was first made redundant in 2013, sales executive Sinéad* put the fact that they virtually stopped having sex down to stress.
Two years on, the 34-year-old confesses she and her 38-year-old partner have reached a sexual stalemate.
“In the beginning, James* was pretty much always up for it,” says Sinéad, “and was nearly always the one to initiate sex.
“Like most couples, over the years, we went from having sex three or four times a week to about once a week.
“After he lost his job though, he seemed to lose interest altogether, and at one stage, we went four months without having sex.”
“Now it just feels like we’re stuck in a bit of a rut,” she adds. “Whenever I try to bring it up, he just gets defensive and says it’s not all up to him. I could count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex this year.”
The young Dublin couple — who don’t have any children — are not alone.
Around one-third of Irish couples who seek relationship counselling do so over sex — or the lack of it — according to Relationships Ireland.
Contrary to the plot of Fifty Shades of Grey though, it’s not always the guy who’s looking for sex.
“A lot of people buy into the myth that men are supposed to be able to get an erection any time, any place, with anyone,” says relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Anne Mathews of Mind and Body Works in Dublin, “which is not true.
“Over the last few years, I’ve definitely seen more couples coming in where the man has low libido — not the woman.
“Research shows that the best sex happens in long-term relationships,” she continues, “especially collaborative couples who work together on getting their needs met.
“If a partner suddenly goes off sex, then the partner being rejected can take it very personally, leading to relationship difficulties and rows.
"Whenever there is change in a relationship, you’ve got to look at what else is happening in the background. Working long hours and money worries are just some of the factors that can affect intimacy for couples.”
Stress, depression, hormone imbalance, medication and alcohol consumption are among the other possible physical and psychological reasons why 60 per cent of men have lied to their partner about being too tired for sex, according to one survey by Lloyds Pharmacy Online Doctor.
After being diagnosed with the libido of a 100 year-old man, Robbie Williams told how he began injecting the male sex hormone — responsible for maintaining healthy mood, energy levels and fertility — in a bid to get his mojo back.
“It has changed my life,” confessed the 41-year-old singer, who’s married to American actress Ayda Fields.
“I feel I’m getting a second wind.”
Getting Irish men to open up about permanently not being in the mood, however, isn’t quite so easy, says Dr Rynne of www.Testosterone.ie
“Irish men don’t find it easy to talk about losing their sex drive,” says the Kildare GP.
“Often it is the wife who encourages them to come in and see me.
“Some people think you can diagnose TDS with a simple blood test, but that’s not reliable at all because testosterone levels can go up and down over a 24-hour period.
My advice is to keep a diary of your symptoms — muscular strength, energy, libido and so on — over a few weeks.”
He recommends Testosterone Replacement Therapy, but acknowledges there can be risks, including acne, fluid retention and an increased chance of blood clots.
“Like anything, there can be side effects,” adds Dr Rynne. “But I haven’t seen any in my patients so far.
“Generally, I would recommend starting on a transdermal gel to see if it works. After that, there’s an intramuscular injection every 10 weeks which you can stay on indefinitely.
“I’ve seen 60-year-old men getting the testosterone levels of a-35 year-old.”
In the meantime, many women like Sinéad are taking control of their sex lives.
“Vibrators are definitely our most popular product,” says Shawna Scott of SexSiopa.ie, Ireland’s first health and design-focused sex shop.
“Contrary to belief though, the majority of customers I speak with aren’t buying sex toys because they’re dissatisfied.
“They’re buying them to use with their partner or, if they’re single, to keep themselves satisfied.”
Dublin-based clinical sexologist Emily Power Smith of www.Empowersme.com agrees: “Sexual compatibility is vitally important — but it’s a mistake to think that if it’s there at the start, you’re sorted for life.
“We find confidence, health, well-being, intimacy and connection to ourselves and others through satisfying sex. So I don’t agree with the common and simplistic view that if the sex isn’t great, and everything else is, women should just put up with it.
“Unsatisfied women need to voice their needs and concerns and ask their partner to work on the sexual side of things. If their partner won’t, it may be time to move on.”
Not everyone sees sex as a priority. One poll by travel company Expedia found that a third of holidaymakers would happily sacrifice sex for an extra week in the sun.
But can a sexless marriage — one which experts define as less than 10 times a year — ever go the distance?
“I think if both agree that that’s what they want, then it isn’t a problem,” says psychosexual therapist Anne Mathews.
“If one wants it and one doesn’t, that’s where you’re into difficulty, [and where] sometimes people go outside the marriage for sex.
"Sex has become so freely available over the years that I think it’s been a bit devalued,” she adds.
“Certainly I think sustaining a loving sexual relationship in the long run is a challenge for any couple.”
Although she confesses to being among the half of women who fantasise about having sex with someone other than their partner, according to a new poll by Lovehoney.
Sinéad insists she’d never play away from home: “Being completely honest, I have fantasised about sleeping with other guys — sometimes even when we’re in bed together at night. But I would never actually cheat on James — and I’d hate to think he would be unfaithful.”
“Obviously, I’d love to get things back on track physically,” she concedes.
“We’re compatible in so many other ways though that it seems silly to break up just because we’re not at it morning, noon and night.”
“When we first started going out, we had an amazing sex life — I’m just hoping we can get it back eventually.”
* Names have been changed to protect privacy
The libi-dos and don’ts of reigniting his sex drive
Relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Anne Mathews advises:
“Communicate with your partner in a non-confrontational way. If you start by criticising him, he may get defensive. Instead, invite your partner to talk about why things have changed.”
“Blame yourself. If your partner suddenly loses interest in sex, it’s easy to feel like it’s somehow your fault — but there are lots of reasons for low libido, including stress.”
“As a couple, ask yourself what needs to happen in order to have sex. A lot of people are hanging about waiting for it to be spontaneous, but that’s not going to happen if you’ve got kids.”
“Forget that sex doesn’t always mean penetration. Nor is it all about performance. Instead, focus on creating a playful space where you can both get your needs met.”
“Look at both of your diaries to see what is the best possibility of having sex in your week. Then, just like date night — but separate from that time — make a sexual date.”
For further information, check out: www.mindandbodyworks.com
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