Three months after baby and still no sex

My wife had a baby three months ago and she still won’t have sex with me.

I’m trying to be patient, but I’m getting desperate. Could something be wrong?

Of course there is something wrong.

Three months ago, your wife pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out of her tiny vagina and for 10 months before that her body was pumped chock full of killer hormones designed to attack counterproductive parenting characteristics, such as the desire to diet, exercise, get wildly drunk or have rampant sex.

Pregnancy is nature’s way of annihilating the female ego to ensure that a woman is fully primed for her role as a 24-hour milk slave to a baby that plans to dine at all hours for the first six months of its life.

Over a period of 40 weeks, pregnancy breaks down even the most resistant woman, and after the birth, the torture of no sleep further obliterates any sense of perspective.

Self-esteem becomes babycentric.

A single smile makes up for the fact that a woman’s once-pert breasts have become pendulous milk jugs.

And because baby wants to be held all the time, and leakages and spit-ups make getting dressed pointless, even the most immaculately-groomed woman finds herself spending whole days plodding around in her nightie or watching daytime telly with her boobs hanging out to aerate her chapped nipples.

Exhausted, the woman who once fought furiously to stay a size 10 fuels herself on chocolate biscuits and takeaways, and turns a blind eye to the baby weight that stubbornly refuses to shift.

So tired, and so beyond caring.

Motherhood is meant to “come naturally” to women. And it does. But that doesn’t mean that it is easy.

No matter how well prepared a woman feels, how many books she read and antenatal classes she attended, becoming a mother for the first time is like being run over by an emotional steamroller.

Once the baby is born everything goes on hold until the snapper is robust enough to make it through the night.

A new mother is constantly alert, and wiped out. Every ounce of energy and emotion is targeted towards her baby.

She cares so much about her newborn that she will sacrifice anything for the welfare of the tiny defenceless scrap, even her relationship with her husband. As you can testify.

Your wife has been hypnotised by 8lb of Babygro with a button nose and you feel, understandably, shafted. It’s not fair. And you do have conjugal rights, but you can’t reason with biology.

No matter how desperate you feel, until she cuts the umbilical cord she will continue to feel about as sexual as a bowl of cold porridge.

The process of withdrawal usually begins with weaning, but depending on the woman, that can take anything from six months to 60 years.

In the meantime, the only way to muscle in and stop the cosy twosome alienating you from your own home is to actively involve yourself in the affair.

Not only is this the fastest and most effective way to get back into your wife’s field of vision, it is a surprisingly seductive and rewarding experience in itself.

Men who engage with their children while they are babies bond more strongly with them, but unfortunately, although new mothers like to broadcast how tiring everything is, they are often remarkably reluctant to share the responsibility with anyone else.

If your wife resists your efforts to get involved, persist, because it will be the Athena-poster vision of your manly torso cradling your baby’s soft skin that makes her rediscover her sexual feelings for you.

Well, that and the fact that she is already planning a little brother or sister...

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