Advice on children engaged in rituals

YOUR four-year-old has to ask a certain set of questions before she settles down to sleep — or eat her food in a certain order or line up her dolls just so before she leaves her bedroom.

The psychologist and paediatrician Arnold Gesell — pioneer in the field of child development — found many children approaching age three began engaging in elaborate rituals.

Studies find it manifests particularly from age two to five and tends to centre on transition times like bedtime or mealtimes.

Child therapist Helen Sholdice says such ritualsaim to inhibit or block fearful feelings. “Children can’t always tell parents what their feeling is — they can’t bring it to consciousness.”

A child with elaborate pre-bedtime rituals may fear the dark or not want to separate from parents.

“They may be trying to stall the moment when they go to sleep and lose consciousness. Children can be afraid to let go so they try to keep control,” says Sholdice, who has seen rituals performed by children in the four to nine years age group.

“They might turn the light switch on and off several times before entering a room or, before doing homework, pat their head three or four times. Or they might stop in front of a doorway and rub their feet several times on the mat.”

She recommends parents observe how they themselves are feeling when they see their child engaged in ritualistic behaviour — if parents are annoyed, anxious or worried, so is the child, who picks up on their feelings. Instead, parents should focus on their child.

In the case of the head-tapping ritual prior to doing homework, Sholdice suggests gently touching the child on the shoulder while saying ‘it’s okay, take your time’.

“This gives the child an alternative feeling on their shoulder — it can move the child in their body from one place to another and they don’t have to comfort themselves.”

For a child rubbing his feet excessively on a mat before crossing a threshold, she recommends parents take a twofold response. Observe where it takes place — eg, going into school or birthday party may cause a child anxiety. “

Parents shouldn’t hurry the child but wait patiently until the ritual is complete.” She suggests saying ‘it feels like you’re finding it hard to [go in] — what can I do to help?’

Your child’s rituals may simply be about taking comfort from regular things he can depend on. If however the rituals are interfering with his life or he’s spending a lot of time on them, it may be time to chat with a professional.

TOP TIPS

Interrupting a child as they ‘do’ the ritual perpetuates it. They’ll want to go back to the beginning and start again.

Wait patiently, give them time to complete.

Observe your own feelings. If you’re annoyed or anxious, your child will pick up on it.

Consider play therapy as a possible intervention to relieve anxiety.