What to do if a child is ‘left out’ by siblings

THE sibling relationship is rarely straightforward and it can be upsetting to see one of your children being excluded by the others.

It could happen because the child you see as ‘excluded’ is a different gender or age. Or it might be a simple case of different interests — you have three girls and two love dressing up, while the third’s a tomboy.

Or maybe the personalities of two of your children are a natural fit while the third is out of sync. “Children can’t fit with everybody. It just makes it more difficult when they all live together,” says psychologist Jennifer Ryan.

You shouldn’t just settle for one child being consistently left out but neither should you make a big deal of the dynamic, says Ryan. One of her two sons is “cheeky and bold”, the other is “more sensitive”. When the first is being cheeky, the second distances himself. “He doesn’t know what’s going on so he moves away.”

She warns against seeing the ‘excluded’ child as a victim. “The second you start victimising them, you signal that it’s going to be more difficult for them — they’ll expect people to leave them out. If you say ‘poor you – they left you out again’, the child gets in his head: ‘oh, people leave me out’. At school, he’ll just allow it to happen.”

Try to normalise things. If one of the children isn’t involved in what his siblings are doing, encourage him to find his own interests rather than urging him to fit in with the others.

The situation is an opportunity to teach empathy to the ‘excluding’ children, says Ryan: ‘When you leave your brother out, he feels sad – look at his face’. And you can teach the ‘left out’ child assertiveness: ‘If you don’t want to play what your siblings are playing, why don’t you suggest something else?’ Ryan urges defusing things — get the siblings to know each other again in a different environment.

“They might think their brother or sister is boring because they don’t want to play the game. But if they all get out for a football game or a picnic, they might find some common ground.” Do create experiences for them that they’ll enjoy together, allowing them to understand they can all enjoy each other’s company. As a family you could go for ice-cream or have a movie and popcorn evening at home. Or get them all cooking together so each has a different job.

Be sensitive towards and supportive of the child who feels excluded, recommends Ryan. “But let them know too that tough things happen and that we brush ourselves off and get on with life.”