What to do if your child is being ignored by a grandparent
“Grandfathers from an earlier generation might find it easier to relate to a grandson rather than a granddaughter. Or a grandparent with poor health might not be able to handle a child with a very boisterous personality.
"Without even realising, they might gravitate towards a child who’s easier to handle,” says parent coach Val Mullally.
If your child tells you granny or grandpa favours another grandchild over them, listen and acknowledge their experience, says Mullally.
“A key element in the child’s dealing with it is to find somebody empathetic who will listen to their story.”
Observe interactions between grandparent and child. It helps to keep a record. ‘Matthew was invited to granny’s on all these days and Mary just once’, so you can draw on exact details if required.
If then you are concerned, you might initiate a conversation with the grandparent.
“See this as getting a team member on board to create solutions, rather than blaming or shaming,” says Mullally.
She advises arranging the chat for when both parties are calm, rested and unlikely to be interrupted. A neutral venue is best — meet for coffee or go for a walk.
Avoid saying ‘you favour Matthew over Mary’. Mullally suggests saying ‘Matthew and Mary both love you very much and I’ve noticed you seem to prefer to spend a lot more time with Matthew. I was hoping we could talk about it’.
A good way to close the conversation is to say ‘thank you for hearing my concern — I’m sure we can work together to figure this out’.
During the conversation a grandparent might reveal a reality you didn’t know.
Maybe the parents of the cousin — perceived to be granny’s favourite — have relationship or financial difficulties, so granny is simply trying to compensate by giving extra resources.
However, if a grandparent dismisses your concern – ‘oh, but x is my favourite’, you need to challenge this: ‘how would you feel if your grandparent had said this?’
If, for example, the grandparent persists in buying presents for one child and not another, you could communicate that from now on you’ll only accept gifts that all the children can share.
* Find Val Mullally’s six-week online parenting course at www.koemba.com
* Acknowledge child’s experience — if it’s real for them, it’s real.
* Most grandparents love their grandchildren and can be a parent’s best ally.
* Encourage grandparents to love each grandchild uniquely — one might like chatting to granny, another might like her to watch him in the football game.
* Discussion with grandparent should focus on creating solutions that meet everyone’s needs.
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