Building a child that can cope with life

There’s so much advice around parenting these days that it feels like you need a Phd. Ailin Quinlan cut to the chase and got tips from one of the country’s foremost experts in children and mental health.

EVERY parent yearns for an emotionally healthy child. Clinical psychologist Paul Gilligan has written a book for parents on how to raise one.

But what is an emotionally healthy child? “An emotionally healthy child is a child who’s generally content and confident, has a positive belief in themselves and can handle adversity in an appropriate manner,” says Gilligan, who is CEO of At Patrick’s Mental Health Services and chair of the Children’s Rights Alliance.

“They experience positive emotions in an appropriate way, at the appropriate time, and behave in a positive manner,” says the former CEO of the Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

Children aged under 13 reflect their emotions in behaviour — for example, a depressed child may not do their homework, may not want to get up in the morning or may be the subject of complaints from the class teacher.

Gilligan says that parents have a built-in ability: “We are born with a deep capacity to love our children and to do the best we can for them,” he says. The goal is for the parent to connect with both of these qualities.

It’s normal for parents to make mistakes, he says. Three things factors decide a child’s emotional and mental health — the child’s personality, his/her experiences, and the support he/she receives from parents and other important people in their lives. If these factors are not healthy, they can cause problems.

“Emotionally healthy children are able to navigate the difficulties of life — even if they develop an issue about something, if they are emotionally healthy they are better able to cope with it,” Gilligan says.

His tips on raising an emotionally healthy child:

1. Connect with your deep love for your child

“We are in an era where parents are reluctant to talk about loving their child. Consciously acknowledge that love, and remind yourself that your actions spring from that,” he says.

2. Believe in yourself as a parent

Don’t be overly confident, but believe in your ability to parent your child. Recognise that this may involve asking for help or advice. Don’t beat yourself up about what you’re not doing. “Research tells us that parents spend more time with their children nowadays than they did in the 1960s, but are more prone to questioning themselves around their ability to parent and provide for their child,” Gilligan says.

3. Teach your child self-confidence

Encourage self-respect and self-care, and their development of realistic expectations of themselves.

“Help them map out their day,” he says. Encourage your child to understand that while they must do their homework, they should also relax afterwards, with a game of football, for example.

Develop realistic expectations by encouraging self-awareness and insight, and support them in doing their best in their hobbies and activities.

“Help them reflect on their achievements,” he says.

4. Teach your child how to deal with difficulties

Protect them from unnecessary difficulties by identifying problems, such as bullying — but recognise that they will have to deal with the death of a beloved relative, for example, or a poor performance in an examination.

5. Teach your child to be happy

First, recognise that your child cannot be happy all the time, but when there is the opportunity, encourage them to be happy.

“Let them be themselves, and allow them to realise their own individuality,” he says.

Remember, says Gilligan, life is full of things to be sad or happy about — but that also it often depends on how we interpret them. A child can be happy or disappointed with a B-plus grade in a test, depending on how they look at it, for example.

6. Ensure the child’s environment is healthy and safe

Take a balanced approach, he says, because these days there is a major focus on “risks” and parents can become overly concerned.

“Be reasonable about assessing risk. Don’t swaddle a child in cotton wool and don’t expose a child to serious hazards. It’s all about balance,” he says. “We can overplay the risks to children.”

7. Listen to, and communicate with, your child

It’s important to listen to what they are saying, and to communicate as clearly as possible. Integrate communication into family life, he says, by, for example, sitting down to an evening meal together.

8. Look after yourself as a person

Reinforce yourself. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge what you do for your child, so that they see that you do your best. Try to maintain a balance between work, family and social life.

Raising Emotionally Healthy Children, by Paul Gilligan, published by Veritas, €14.95, will be launched by RTÉ broadcaster, Áine Lawlor, today at St. Patrick’s Mental Health Services, James St, Dublin 8.