How, and who, handles tantrums

Helen O’Callaghan hears some sound advice on the problem.

YOUR toddler’s having a full-on tantrum in the supermarket. You’ve placed her in the shopping trolley seat and you’re trying to do your business as calmly as you can. A stranger approaches and asks ‘can I help?’

Parentline CEO Rita O’Reilly believes the parent isn’t in any place to hear this offer of help. “They may see it as a suggestion that they can’t manage. In fact, they probably can manage quite well.” She recommends a polite response from the parent. “You could say ‘thanks but we’re managing – I find not engaging with a tantrum works best’.”

Parents have the right and the responsibility to discipline their child within the confines of the rules they’ve decided. But sometimes it may be acceptable for others to discipline our children depending on where the misdemeanour happens, how the disciplining is done and who’s doing it. “If someone is minding your child, you’re giving them authority to discipline your child while they’re being minded,” says O’Reilly. Likewise, she says, if you’re visiting a friend’s house and your child is bouncing on a bed or sofa – it really is ok for your friend to say ‘look, we don’t do that in this house’. “I have to respect her rules and my children do too.”

The same applies in a public space such as a doctor’s waiting room. If the child is behaving in such a way as to invade other people’s space, someone needs to be assertive if the parent isn’t managing the behaviour. “Somebody might do it in a light-hearted way – ‘oops, be careful of my feet’ [if the child is running about]. It’s all down to tone,” says O’Reilly.

Suppose your preschooler has been invited on a play-date with another child. Yours hasn’t exactly mastered the art of sharing and sets about grabbing any toy the other child has. You can’t really complain if the other parent – having given you a chance to manage things – takes matters into her own hands because you haven’t. She might say to your child ‘how about sharing? You can have it now and then let Amy have it for a few minutes’. This, says O’Reilly, is discipline but it’s also explanation. “It’s gentle, demonstrating how to behave.” What’s obviously not ok, says the Parentline CEO, is if someone smacks your child, shouts at him or nags unduly. If this is happening, it may be that the minder or venue isn’t right for your child. But, she adds, if your child is being disciplined, you can’t assume his behaviour is perfect or that your management of it is. “You might contemplate the situation and ask ‘did my child need that?’

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