Holy cow! There’s a saint for everything and everyone

Today, tens of millions worldwide are celebrating the feast of this country’s patron saint, Partick. But ther’s a baffling number of patron saints, and some have rather unexpected job titles, says Brian Moss.

IN testing times, it’s good to have a patron saint batting for your corner. But would you believe, there is a patron saint for almost every problem.

Here are five of the more bizarre celestial beings we might have reason to call upon:

Patron Saint of Unattractive People, Saint Drogo:

As the saying goes, there is room for all God’s children in the choir, even for unattractive ones. For people who aren’t oil paintings, Saint Drogo is your man.

While on a pilgrimage, the young Drogo was struck down with a disease that left him with severe facial deformities.

The town’s people, out of kindness (or perhaps not wanting to pass Drogo on a daily basis), built a cell for Drogo, attached to the local church. He lived in it for the rest of his life, serving God, surviving on basic food and water and his daily acceptance of the Eucharist. Now that’s commitment.

Patron Saint of the Internet, Saint Isidore of Seville:

Ironically for someone who is God’s ‘go to guy’ for the fountain of modern knowledge, Isidore was a poor student.

Because of his inability to succeed in exams, he turned to the man above for help. While sleeping rough in a cave, after running away from home to escape the taunts of his brother (who also became a saint), Isidore noticed how water dripping onto rocks gently eroded the surface. Isidore took this as a sign from God to learn little by little.

Isidore subsequently became one of the most learned men of his time and wrote an encyclopaedia, among many other celebrated works — how handy he would have been at a table quiz! He became Bishop of Seville in 600, upon the death of his aforementioned brother, St. Leander. In 2003, Pope John Paul II put forward Isodore as the patron saint of the then fledgling internet.

So, the next time you binge on the latest Netflix craze, perhaps you might say a little payer to the man charged with overlooking the weird wild web.

Patron Saint of Petrol Station Workers, Saint Eligius:

Eligius started life as a metalsmith, and such was the Frenchman’s prowess that he is reported to have cut the leg off a horse to re-shoe it, before reattaching the leg. Now that’s a talent.

As horses began to be replaced by cars and stables by petrol stations — in a rare display of modernity for the Catholic Church — Eligius moved with the times and became associated with filling-stations workers. As Bishop of Flanders, he was responsible for the construction of St Paul’s Basillica and for discovering many relics, but it is his work aiding those who travelled the byroads and high roads for which he is most revered.

Patron Saint of Beekeepers, St. Ambrose:

When Ambrose was an infant, a swarm of bees landed on his face and left behind a drop of honey — and not a single bee sting.

Ambrose’s father saw this as a sign that his son would have a honey tongue and so be perfect for preaching the Lord’s message.

Ambrose lived up to his father’s expectations, and such was the power of his oratory spreading the good word that Ambrose was given the moniker, The Honey Tongued Doctor, which would be perfect for a late night DJ.

Patron Saint of People with STDs, St Fiacra:

Perhaps it’s fitting, given the amount of stag and hen parties that descend on the Marble City, that it’s a Kilkenny man who was put in charge of people who have venereal diseases. Fiacra’s gift for making medicines from herbs led to a growth in his popularity.

To escape the limelight, he approached the then Bishop of Meaux, St Faro, for refuge. Faro promised Fiacra all the land he could topple in one day. Fiacra, with the aid of the lord, toppled many acres, uprooting trees and furrowing land with just his staff.

A local woman accused Fiacra of witchcraft, but Faro saw otherwise and proclaimed Fiacra’s workings a miracle. Fiacra built an oratory in honour of the Virgin Mary, where he welcomed and cared for travellers, the homeless and the sick. There was one catch, though — no women were allowed in the monastery.

He treated men ( women weren’t allowed) with various ailments, including unfortunates with venereal diseases (the monastery was a very early version of Embarrassing Bodies), and so was given the patronage for those who find themselves on the receiving end of an STD.

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