Men turn to online dating because of treatment by women

There’s little wonder men are racing to online dating says Michelle Murphy. Women treat them like dirt when they pluck up the courage to approach them in a bar or nightclub.

IF YOU have any halfway serious converstation with a single friend, daughter or sister in their 20s and 30s about finding a man, a great many will throw their eyes up to heaven or else quickly change the conversation. CSO figures reveal there are more than 97,000 single women aged 30-34 living in Ireland today.

So, what then, is the problem with finding a guy? Are we too fussy? Too independent? Too immersed in careers and female friendships to invest the time needed to form a serious relationship?

Or is that we are too bitchy? Too drunk? Too quick to get the sarcastic put-down in before, we assume, he will? Too insecure and battle weary.

Yes, you read right. Forgive me sisterhood, for I have sinned. Now, before the trolling begins, I’m not for a second suggesting that a sharp riposte isn’t merited when you need to get that obnoxious, drunk, married, man out of your personal space.

What I am talking about, however, is the attitude of some single women on a night out, many of whom claim to be looking for a meaningful relationship.

Based on anecdotal research amongst male acquaintances, ex-boyfriends, friends’ brothers as well as interactions I’ve witnessed on nights out, many Irish single women are doing themselves no favours.

One summer, a few years ago, myself and another single friend went on a 10-day road trip around Ireland.

Think Thelma and Louise but in a Micra. And rain. And no Brad Pitt. On one stopover in a small town we decided to visit the nightclub.

Whilst there, we got chatting to a delightfully friendly, soon to be married, couple.

Bemoaning our single status to his girlfriend and the fact most men who approached us on nights out tended to be inebriated, her beau offered us some insight which has resonated with me to this day, even though I am currently seeing a lovely man.

Yes, this man conceded, fellas will oftentimes be drunk when they approach a woman, yes, it can be annoying.

But, it can be very intimidating, he pointed out, for a man to approach a woman on a night out, particularly as he often has no choice but to approach not just one but several women given that many of us tend to travel in packs.

As this man saw it, that drunken guy could have spotted you three hours earlier and spent the evening working up the courage to approach you. Granted, by the time he has actually approached you, 80% of it might be Dutch courage but he’s worked up the courage nonetheless.

And what does he sometimes get in return? “You’re too small for me — I prefer taller men” (imagine how you would feel if a man told you that you were too fat, that he preferred slimmer women)

The sight of a gaggle of outwardly confident, ultra glamorous 30-something women dancing to Beyonces’ anthemic ‘All The Single Ladies’ is a sight that will be familiar to many of us on a night out. Hell, I’ve Put My Hands Up from time to time myself, despite having more of a penchant for rock music.

But here’s the thing, whilst many women will argue that this female solidarity/strength-in-numbers type of behaviour is just a bit of fun, I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t a degree of unconscious passive aggressiveness about the whole thing, so that what initially started off as a floorfiller at a rural disco is now almost a call to arms for single women — the Hakka for the unattached.

Take Steve, an engineer in his late 20’s, who decided that despite enjoying an active social life he is done with approaching women on nights out: “I’m 29 and I now have decided to give up on that scene.

"I’ve tried online dating and Tinder and so have many of my mates, and I prefer it. I think we’re decent guys. Maybe we’re chatting up the wrong girls but I’ve had it with late bars and gaggles of giggling girls who will just as quickly moan about the difficulty in finding a man as give you the cold shoulder when you approach them.”

Many single women reading this will indignantly ask are they to lower their standards, simply settle for the first man that gives them the glad eye?

No, of course not. However there is a big difference between lowering your standards and lowering expectations. A standard would be that a guy has to be hard working, kind and faithful. An expectation is that every hard working, kind and faithful man you meet is also at least six feet tall and trades his car in every two years.

The truth is, whilst many of us complain about the unrealistic pressures heaped upon women, we are often all too guilty of projecting equally unrealistic expectations onto men.

Now, I’m not pretending to be whiter-than-white. In my mid twenties I was probably quite dismissive towards men.

But throughout the years, I have been on a several one-off dates. I have a sort of personal code — if a man has the testicular fortitude to approach a woman he doesn’t know and ask her out, if he’s respectful and (semi) sober then he at least deserves a cup of coffee.

I blame Sex And The City. Don’t get me wrong, I was, and still am, a huge fan of the show. I loved the dialogue, the witticisms and many of the themes rang true.

However, it also encouraged a generation of women to think it was okay to sit around drinking cocktails and, well, basically, take the piss out of men, to criticise their every move. Their lack of sexual prowess.

Their inability to commit. Their lack of ambition. My advice to All The Single Ladies? Put your hands down, stop banging on about it and next time give that poor fecker a break.....

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