Older women tell us what getting older is really like
In January this year, stratospherically cool (and stratospherically expensive) fashion house Céline announced 80-year-old writer Joan Didion (she of The Year Of Magical Thinking fame) as the new face of their spring/summer collection.
Saint Laurent chose 71-year-old Joni Mitchell as the muse for its Music Project. Shot in black and white by Hedi Slimane, Mitchell’s lined face is a joy to behold for anyone sick of an industry that usually prefers expressionless pre-pubescent rib cages to model their clothes.
So what’s happening — is the most youth obsessive of all industries wising up? Beauty brands are hopping on the bandwagon too.
In the 90s, Isabella Rossellini was axed as the face of Lancôme when she turned 42, but in recent months we have seen a Marc Jacobs beauty campaign with the sultry Jessica Lange, aged 65, while last year L’Oréal signed Jane Fonda, 77 and Helen Mirren, 69.
The proof that women over 60 were not just alive and kicking but as cool as ever, came when Charlotte Rampling (just turned 69), was chosen as the face of French make-up brand Nars to celebrate its 20th anniversary.
So since the world is taking notice, there seemed no better time to ask some wise Irish women what they really think about getting older and what they’ve learned along the way. Here’s what they said:
“When I was in my 20s and looked ahead…I thought I would develop into somebody with no interest in my appearance because those days would be gone, furrowed and wrinkled — I’d have no interest in fashion, no energy, one foot in the grave.
"I really thought it was a downhill spiral…waiting to exit”, says former TV presenter Barbra McMahon who is approaching her 65th birthday.
What happened when she did turn 60 was a surprise. “I’m completely gobsmacked at this stage in my life that I have more energy. My diet is much better; my level of exercise is better. I have great interest in everything I do and in fashion.”
Eilish O’Carroll echoes those words. Best known for playing Winnie McGoogan in Mrs Brown’s Boys, the 63-year-old sister of Brendan O’Carroll is candid about ageing. “When I was in my 30s I thought 60 was so far away, I didn’t think I’d ever reach it. I had an image in my head that when you get to 55 you walk around like an old woman and read magazines, go to bingo…it’s nothing like that.”
Currently touring the country with her autobiographical show Live Love Laugh, O’Carroll says she has more energy and drive than ever.
“There’s so much I want to do with my life, I still have ambition. I’d like to write another play, I’d like to write a book…I’m like a kid in a candy shop. I might not have the time to do it all but that’s not going to stop me.”
Kate Hanrahan is 86 years old and lives in Limerick City with her husband Ted. She says she thought 60 would be “the end of the word” but it was anything but. “I’ve lived a fantastic life for the past 26 years. I thought when I was 60 I’d be an old woman, but my life only started.”
Mayo-born Maureen Lynott is a graduate of Columbia University and Harvard who made a career as an expert in healthcare management. At 65 she says she’s found “contentment and self-confidence” but also perspective.
A year ago, she made a “big decision” to spilt her time between her cottage in Ireland and New York, where her daughter and five-year-old granddaughter live. “Perspective comes with age” she explains, “You lived enough to learn what matters and what doesn’t.”
Kate Hanrahan says while ageing has its downsides (her fingers aren’t as nimble as they once were and she forgets the odd name here and there) that’s nothing compared to what she has gained. “I’m free to think what I like and do what I like, I can say what I think with no hesitation”, she explains. “I’m myself, and I think that’s wonderful”.
For O’Carroll being in her 60s has been “very freeing”.
“I really do not care what other people think of me”. Her advice to younger generations is to follow suit: “I wish we could bottle that and give it to young people. What stops people is confidence and fear that they will be rejected and all those awful things. And yes that will happen, it happened to me, but I don’t care!”
Anyone who thinks they are too late to start a new career will take heart from Barbra McMahon’s story. At 39, and with no experience, she started a career in television presenting. What began with a six-minute slot on RTE turned into a job offer.
“It would have been as easy for me to say no”, says McMahon. She lived in Limerick with her family, but the job was in Dublin, so she divided her time and made it work. The result was a fulfilling career doing what she loved and she wouldn’t change a thing.
Kate Hanrahan is an avid reader and a bit of an amateur historian, but it was only when she got older that she started to really take her passion seriously.
Since turning 60 she has joined the Thomond Archeological Society, studied history, psychology, sociology at the University of Limerick and left her husband Ted at home (happily occupying himself in his workshop) while she traveled the world. Her studies were her life she says. “I did everything to inform myself, it was vital to me.”
Eilish O’Carroll says she has reinvented herself so many times it would make your head spin. After a “very difficult” first marriage, she was left with two children and no money. Her second marriage fell apart too after she came out in her forties. Now at 65 she looks back and feels proud of the mountains she’s climbed.
This one was unanimous. Every woman over 60 said, hand on heart, that despite the endless worrying, having kids was well and truly worth it.
“If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t have grandchildren” laughs Barbra McMahon. “I look at my children and admire them. I pat myself on the back and think I’ve done a good job”.
Lorna Fitzgerald*, an 88-year-old mother of three living in Cork described her children as “the greatest investment in life”. The times when her home was full of kids were the best years of her life, she says.
“I’ve had such an expansion of my life because of my children, and I’m so grateful to them.” Asked if she believed women who forgo having children will regret it later on she said this:
“Regeneration is a law of life. I think people who don’t have children will not just be lonely, but dissatisfied too.”
Another thing all the women agreed on was friendship. Each said that maintaining friendships was vital to a long and happy life.
“My girlfriends are terribly important to me,” says Barbra McMahon. “I have friends since the 1960s and they are still my best friends. They make me feel wealthy. We are they for each other though everything, ups and downs.”
Eilish O Carroll says the key to successful friendships is not neglecting them, “A phone call, a coffee, you just don’t forget. My friends have supported me and I will never forget that. I love spending time with them, we have great craic and they do my heart good.”
Lorna Fitzgerald* said discretion was necessary to maintain long-term friendships. “Keep the things you know about them to yourself, don’t gossip. Tolerance is very important with friends. We all have our queer ways and we have to tolerate their queer ways.”
When Kate Hanrahan’s daughter died six months ago, she needed her family and fends more than ever. “My friends all know my situation”, she explained. “I can go out and forget, they make sure I forget. Of course I fall apart but I’ve always have a group of friends around me.”
While women over 60 are proud to fly “the grey flag” they can’t help but feel ignored, even “demoralised” as one woman put it. It’s something Barbra McMahon is vocal about. “People my age have a little bit more to spend. Yes we’re retired and we felt the recession too, but the grey euro is still valuable.”
Kate Hanrahan has always loved clothes, but feels overlooked by most fashion retailers. “You go into the big shops and it’s all for young people. We have money too remember”, she adds.
Eilish O’Carroll feels ageism at work in Ireland too. “We become invisible”, she says. In her industry, she has seen male actors get roles that would be unthinkable for women the same age.
“Men will get parts with girlfriends 40 years younger, but if you saw me in a series with a boyfriend 40 years younger that’s not ok”. Frustrating as it may be, you can’t let it stop you, she says. “You have to kick doors down. If you don’t use age as an excuse then you can break those barriers down.”
Despite the Irish mammy reputation for being soft, none of the mothers who shared their advice believed in mollycoddling.
“The greatest gift we can give our children is independence and allowing them to fend for themselves”, says Barbra McMahon, who has raised three kids.
“From a very young age, if a two year old falls let them pick themselves up, trust them, let them manage their pocket money, clearing the table after meals, keeping their rooms tidy…we can do too much for our children. Give them that independence so when they fly the nest they aren’t floundering.”
Kate Hanhran’s advice was equally hands off. “Children have their own mind and its very bad to impose yours on them, they have to have freedom.”
One mother of three said discipline was key. “They have to have discipline or later on they won’t be able to discipline themselves, but above all that, give them love and support. Let them know they are absolutely, unquestionably loved.”
At 63, Eilish O’Carroll says the thought of dying scares her. “I’ll admit hand on heart I’m going out of this world screaming. I admire people who can plan their own funerals but the thought of it coming to an end, there is fear there. You have to grasp every moment, live it and enjoy it. Don’t fret about what’s going to happen tomorrow.”
Lorna Fitzgerald* says: “When you come to my age and see your contemporaries die or in homes, you kind of shrug your shoulders. There is an inevitability about it. You couldn’t understand that feeling years ago, but I know it now. I can’t say death frightens me; it’s part of life.”
Maureen Lynott says although she knows death is inevitable, she doesn’t know how she’ll leave the places and people she loves. I wonder if she could speak to her 30-year-old self now what would she say? “That everything would be ok, not to worry that I wouldn’t get the job I wanted or that I wasn’t being a good enough mother…I would tell myself to take it easier, not to worry so much.”
I Eilish O’Carroll’s show Live Laugh Love is on tour from Friday, February 6 to Friday March 13. For more information see www.eilishocarroll.com
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