What can parents do for children suffering from anxiety?
AS parents, we are hellbent on preserving that carefree innocence that makes children so special. But while we cultivate a happy-go-lucky attitude in our children, some of them habitually stress — and develop anxiety disorders. Left untreated, they will be at higher risk of performing poorly in school, of missing out on important social experiences or, worse, engaging in substance abuse. But what are the signs? How do we recognise a developing anxiety disorder?
With 25 years’ experience in child and adolescent mental health, social worker and psychotherapist, Dr John Sharry, says worry is a feature of childhood. “For small children, it’s often linked to a developmental stage, for example separation anxiety when separated from a parent. In puberty, it can be fuelled by a growing self-consciousness and worry about fitting in with their peers. Or there may be a ‘people-pleaser’ element, where kids are anxious about doing well and may feel they’ve let people down or didn’t handle a situation effectively. For some children, there are personality factors or genetic factors. If you’ve a parent who is a worrier, then it can rub off on the child. Essentially, they feed each others’ worries,” Dr Sharry says.
Some children are anxious in certain social situations — like going to school, or worrying about doing well at school. Others are tormented by ‘what-ifs?’ — ‘what if’ they lost a parent in a car crash? These anxieties can be compounded if a peer has lost a family member. “That can trouble them greatly,” Dr Sharry says. The ‘what-if?’ fears are what psychologists call ‘ruminating worries’, repetitive negative thoughts that use a lot of mental energy but achieve little. Dr Sharry says the preoccupation is with issues the rest of us regard as normal, but which cause undue anxiety in the worrier.
Identifying children at risk of anxiety disorder isn’t straightforward, Dr Sharry says, because anxious children and teens are “often quiet and well-behaved and their problems can get overlooked and go unnoticed.
“Anxious children and teens often possess great imaginations that are usually working against them to fuel their worries. With a few simple techniques, you can show them how to employ their imagination positively to overcome the anxiety that bothers them.”
So what are these simple techniques? The first is to encourage the child to vocalise their concerns. “It’s important that the parent be calm and relaxed and talk to the child and get them to express what’s bothering them, and not to become overworried about it yourself ,” Dr Sharry says. Once the worry is out there, the next step is to engage the child to look at practical solutions to overcome it, or to see what actions can be taken to reduce it. Then, it’s a case of “feel the fear and do it anyway,” Dr Sharry says.
He gives a simple example. Your child may have a heightened fear of dogs. As a first step, the child could be encouraged to sit near the dog. Next time, the child could be encouraged to pat the dog. Build from there. Small steps.
“There are other tactics you can teach them for managing anxiety,” he says, such as learning to relax through breathing, or externalising the worry by naming it (eg Mr Worry) and talking back to it. “When you see your child getting anxious, you get the child to challenge the worry: ‘that’s the worry talking, talk back to it,” Dr Sharry says.
He encourages parents to discipline the worry. “Don’t let it dominate the daily conversation. Allocate a specific time to talking about it — maybe 15 minutes — and then tell the child to put it away for the rest of the day. Let them experience the worry, but don’t let it rule their lives,” Dr Sharry says.
Use your child’s imagination, too, to counter the worry, he says. Encourage them to visualise all the good things that can happen, instead of the bad.
And be playful about it. If inventing an imaginary friend to accompany them into difficult social situations helps, then use it.
The good news is that a lot of children grow out of their anxieties, but teaching them resilience and how to cope with the worry is essential. Otherwise, it could become more serious with time.
Early intervention is a must for nipping it in the bud. “Anxiety is something that can be responded to quickly and there’s a big gain if you can turn it around early; it’s much easier to address than depression,” Dr Sharry says.
He has written 12 best-selling books on parenting and positive psychology, including ‘Positive Parenting’, ‘Parenting Teenagers’ and ‘Counselling Children and Adolescents’.
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