Why it pays to work on your kissing technique

The intimacy of kissing creates a bond that can build a relationship, says Tanya Sweeney.

KISSING has a dramatic effect on our physiology. While increasing heart rate and blood pressure, it lights up the pleasure centres in the brain like a Christmas tree. And a one-minute kiss burns 26 calories. What’s not to like?

Years before my first kiss, I wondered constantly about it. Practising on the back of my hand wasn’t eliciting the same high. But the moment soon rolled around (aged 14, train to the Gaeltacht, Vanilla-Ice lookalike). It wasn’t so much go with the flow as go with the… rinse.

After a couple of dizzying seconds of ‘this is really it!’, cold reality soon landed. It felt like we were pretending to be washing machines. Mortified, we then spent three weeks studiously ignoring each other.

I’d like to say that my kissing career has gone from strength to strength, but it’s been chequered at best. Sure, there have been some knee-knocking moments, but I’m sad to report that my most recent kiss was as horrid as that moment beside the Irish Rail sandwich bar.

No amount of cajoling or coaching could change my latest suitor’s mind on the idea that the more tongue the better the smooch. My favourite bit was when he broke off to say, ‘Wow, you’re a really good kisser’. Oh, dear.

Here’s the unpalatable truth. Though the Irish are gaining on the French and Italian in the ‘sexiest nationality’ stakes, our kissing technique leaves much to be desired.

Often, we kiss in the sloppy, drunken interlude between the last song at a nightclub and the spice-burger on the way home. There is no official statistic on how many first kisses happen under the influence in Ireland, but I’m willing to wager that it’s a significant percentage.

Still, it’s not for want of trying on our behalf: among the highest Google searches in Ireland in 2014, apart from Garth Brooks, was ‘how to kiss’.

In the US, William Cane offers intensive kissing classes to couples, and has had 3,000 clients, many of them in long-term unions. For $155 ( €136), couples get a comprehensive lesson in 30 types of kiss, while a deluxe class (€313) will buy you the services of a second couple who will demonstrate techniques.

“Sometimes, we’re in a small hotel room, just me and the couple, and it can be very tight quarters,” Cane laughs down the phone from New York. “It can get steamy pretty quickly, but we keep it R-rated.

“One of the reasons people buy the class is because the woman wants to bring some excitement back into their relationship, and drags the husband along, so that the sparks that used to fly in the early days can be re-ignited.

“The problem, of course, is that the kisses in the early days are the most exciting. You can try and bring back that magic, but you’ll never really have kisses that exciting again.”

For something that’s ostensibly so natural and central to our communication as couples, many people are at a loss for where to begin.

“Some of the clients act like they’re 10 years old — they come in and don’t know what to do,” he says. “But once we develop a rapport, where I’m the guru and they’re the clients, the mood changes and they start laughing.”

After interviewing more than 100,000 people in 23 countries, he has written a definitive book on the whys and wherefores of the humble snog, entitled The Art Of Kissing. Predictably, he knows a thing or two about what makes a good trembler.

“There are two elements that are very important if you want to be a good kisser,” he says.

“You want to have some element of passion or emotional connection to create a chemical reaction. The other is technique — the ability to do different types of kisses and experiment a little bit.

"Bad kissers don’t ‘follow’ the other person or don’t ‘listen’ to the way their partner is kissing them. It’s important to be receptive. A bad kisser is also one who won’t vary their kissing style. They’re often stiff and inflexible.

“You need to be innovative and say sweet things occasionally and introduce nibbling or even something like a ‘vacuum’ kiss, where two people lightly suck while they’re kissing.”

Of the 30 other types he has identified, he notes that the ‘neck kiss’ is often a safe bet. “You want to move up and down the neck and around the ears, and include someone’s collar or collarbone.”

In today’s sex-saturated world, there’s something especially chaste, almost exotic, about the humble kiss. Fashions come and go, but the kiss remains a perennial staple.

Last weekend’s Super Bowl was dazzling for many reasons, but one of its most talked-about moments was when winning player, Tom Brady, marched over to his supermodel wife, Gisele, and planted a huge smacker on her lips.

Sadly, both technique and kissing chemistry soon fade in many relationships.

“We neglect it when it becomes much more perfunctory as we move onto more intimate acts,” says Cane.

“What I did find, though, is that people who rediscovered it found it really erotic and satisfying.”

It’s important, because kissing acts as a “commitment device” for couples; a subliminal way of letting your partner know that you intend to stick around, Cane says.

For those of us still on the hunt for a plus one, scientists have revealed that a first kiss is a hugely effective way to screen for long-term partners.

Oxford University scientists believe that when two people kiss it allows each to assess the other based on taste and smell. In an online survey, 900 adults answered questions about the role of kissing in short- and long-term relationships.

Co-author of the report, Professor Robin Dunbar, from the department of experimental psychology at Oxford University, said: “Mate choice and courtship in humans is complex. It involves a series of periods of assessments where people ask themselves ‘shall I carry on deeper into this relationship?’ Initial attraction may include facial, body and social cues.

“Then, assessments become more and more intimate, as we go deeper into the courtship stages, and this is where kissing comes in.”

The survey responses, reported in the journals Archives of Sexual Behaviour and Human Nature, showed that women, more than men, rated kissing as important in relationships. Emphasis on kissing changed depending on the type of relationship.

Women rated it as important in long-term relationships, suggesting that kissing maintains attachment between established couples.Whether you are looking for a partner or in a long-term relationship, kissing is an ancient way to communicate attraction and love.

For years, anthropologists have been at pains to pinpoint who ‘invented’ kissing ( it was in the medieval era that romantic kissing started to appear in art).

At an Association for the Advancement of Science meeting on the science of kissing, Helen Fischer, an evolutionary biologist, said that kissing is involved in the three main types of human attraction: sex drive, which is ruled by testosterone; romantic love, which is ruled by dopamine and other feel-good hormones; and attachment, which involves bonding chemicals like oxytocin. Kissing, she says, evolved to help on all three fronts.

“Nobody knows for sure about the origins of kissing,” says Cane. “But anthropologists speculate that in prehistoric times mothers would transfer food to their babies through the mouth, and that babies would learn that oral contact is pleasurable for humans. At best, it’s a speculative theory.”

He points out, however, that in ancient Greece and Rome, people kissed in an intimate way that’s not too different from what happens in bedrooms across the world today.

Our approach to kissing varies from culture to culture, too: the French prefer a double-kiss greeting, while Inuits rub noses. Over in Hollywood, meanwhile, the local ‘air kiss’ seems to reflect the town’s surface quality.

“All people I have investigated enjoy kissing, but there seems to be a significant difference in how people do it publicly,” says Cane.

“In places like Southern Europe and South America, there is definitely more expression of kissing than in places like the US or Asia. It comes down to cultural conditioning.”

It’s not just our culture that affects our kissing technique: what we see on the big screen also plays a huge role.

“When people kiss, they have a movie in mind and try to copy it,” says Cane. “In Hollywood, the Hays Code (a set of production guidelines for the studios) was launched in the 1930s and it prohibited certain types of things seen in movies.

“Movies [around that time] became a more chaste experience. What happened, then, is that the public had a certain impression of kissing that affected their behaviour.”

If life does indeed imitate art, we should be kissing up a rather intense storm these days. Thanks to a new wave of Hollywood movies, we’ve been introduced to a wide range of erotic and sexy smooches.

From Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdam’s rain-soaked smacker, in The Notebook, and Kirsten Stewart’s high-octane lip action with Robert Pattison, in Twilight, to Leonardo DiCaprio’s tentative kiss with Kate Winslet, in Titanic, we are spoiled for choice in kissing inspiration.

And this is precisely why the ‘washing machine’ kissers of the world will no longer pass muster. Duly inspired by goings-on in my local Cineplex, I am holding out for a hero.

As with many single people, I’m hopeful that the next knee-knocking kiss is right around the corner.

The prospect of romance, as well as of increased heart rate and blood pressure, keeps most of us on the hunt for that most delicious and elusive of moments: the very last first kiss.

For details on The Art Of Kissing, see www.williamcane.com

REACH OUT: WHY COUPLES SHOULD KISS EVERY DAY

ALREADY in a long-term relationship? Psychologist Sharron Grainger ( www.counselling.ie ) tells us why it’s important to pucker up and kiss daily.

“Why do so many couples stop kissing? Life gets frantic. Work is stressful. The house is a mess. Kids get in the way. We have no time on our own any more. These are just some of the reasons I hear couples talk about in the therapy room.

“Kissing is so important in relationships, but it is also quite difficult for couples to re-engage in the act. One simple ritual thURat many couples should integrate into their lives is the ‘six-second’ kiss. Instead of the usual quick peck on the cheek when they say ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’ or ‘good night’, try having a kiss that lasts for six seconds.

“If you have gotten out of the habit of kissing — which many long-term couples do and find it awkward — set the timer on the microwave for six seconds and give it a go.

“If you don’t feel ready for a six-second kiss and want to build up to it, you could try a six-second hug. That way you are connecting with your partner for 84 seconds a week, if you kiss or hug twice a day. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s possibly a lot more than you are connecting with them right now.”

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST KISS LIKE?

“I was 15 and on my French Exchange in Brittany. I’d gotten on well with my exchange student when he’d come to Ireland, and was delighted when I got to France and discovered he had two older brothers. The oldest one had a friend, Christophe who I quickly developed a crush on.

The kiss happened an hour before I was picked up to leave on the last day. Christophe said what a pity it was I was leaving and leaned in for a proper French kiss! Only at home did I discover I had glandular fever and I was wretchedly ill.”

— Laura, 40

“All I remember is the taste of Tayto and thick nicotine on his tongue. Bleurgh!” — Nora, 37

“On the beach back home in Croatia with a handsome German tourist, I was 15 he was 20, I think. Broke my heart when he left but the kiss was memorable.” — Smilja, 43

“With another girl, who happened to be one of my best friends. And one kiss turned into two, and two into three, and then I lost count. Although ironically it made me realise I don’t like kissing girls very much.” — Siobhán, 31

“I was 12 and I was in Mosney for the Community Games. I was very tall for my age and ended up with 15-year-old from Galway. Neither of us knew what we were doing and when she put her tongue in my mouth I nearly lost my life. It didn’t take me long to get the hang of it!” — Mark, 27

“Mine was at age 13, behind the parish hall during the interval of the amateur dramatic society’s Christmas presentation. It was followed up the next day by a similar assignation in the graveyard. It was rural Tipperary. We didn’t have many sheltered spots for a snog.” — Deirdre, 37

“It was at The Grove (a youth disco in North Dublin). I was 14. He was a 19-year-old agricultural student. ‘Linger’ by The Cranberries was playing. He had stubble so I ended up with horrific beard-burn on my face.” — Tara, 34

“I can’t remember what his name was but he looked like Steve McDonald from Coronation Street. It was in a dodgy ‘nite’ club I’d managed to sneak into.

About 10 minutes later I saw him kissing someone else but I didn’t care because I only did it to get the whole first kiss thing over with. I was 15, nearly 16, and considered myself far too old not to have done it.” — Maria, 35