Baby talk in the bedroom is a big no-no

When we are getting intimate, my boyfriend thinks it’s cute to talk to me in a child’s voice. 

In the early days of our relationship he would call me pet names in the same baby voice, which I thought was sweet. But over the past two years it’s crept into the bedroom and I hate it. It’s a huge turn off for me. We have been talking about marriage but I can’t spend my life with someone who can’t address me like an adult in bed. What should I do?

A. Although you say you can’t spend the rest of your life with someone who will not address you like an adult, you need to recognise that being an adult means being able to tell your partner what you like and what you don’t like.

Adults who are in consensual sexual relationships know that if something makes them feel upset, uncomfortable, awkward or embarrassed they can put a stop to it by speaking up for themselves.

Couples’ sex styles don’t evolve in isolation. What happens in all our sexual relationships happens because we enable it.

Whether that means a female orgasm-first policy, or an unspoken agreement that oral sex is a two-way ticket, couples who possess even the most rudimentary of communication skills should be able to work out how to have mutually enjoyable sex.

I understand that it can sometimes take a while to get into each other’s groove. And I understand that when serious sexual difficulties such as impotence or inorgasmia arise, discussing them can be challenging because no one wants to be considered bad in bed.

However, I simply cannot understand how you have allowed yourself to be babied during sex for two years without once sitting up and screaming: “For the love of God, man, I’m 32 years old, can you please just stop!”

There is just one research paper on the subject of baby talk, which suggests that it’s a hallmark of affection and that romantic partners who engage in it are securely attached (Bombar, Lawrence 1996).

But in the bedroom, most adults see it, as you do, as an unsexy affectation and cannot get past the conflict between juvenility and sexuality.

In 2009, a national survey of sexual turn-offs awarded the No 1 spot to “body odour and bad breath”, but the third biggest turn-off was baby talk and number nine on the agenda was soft toys or teddies on the bed.

That baby talk and stuffed toys could bag two places within the relatively limited scope of a ten-item listing surely illustrates how widespread the distaste for “goo-goo ga-ga” in the bedroom is.

Sex is for grown-ups. Babies may occasionally be a byproduct of the activity but that, quite frankly, is as far as the association should go.

Men still haven’t mastered telepathy, so your poor boyfriend probably thinks you like it when he talks like Tinky Winky. Having allowed him to make a fool of himself for two years, telling him to use his “man voice” now is not going to be easy, but that is what you have to do.

Don’t tackle this before, during or after sex, and when you do talk about it you need to be clear that you don’t find it sexy.

After two years, any form of behaviour becomes habitual so you may have to go through it more than once. However, if you are consistent you will eventually break the pattern.

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