Sobering thoughts: How to stay off the booze at Christmas
Tis the season to be jolly. Merry, boozy, drinky. Even non-drinkers drink at Christmas. Sticky liqueurs, weirdy egg nog, disproportionate amounts of sherry — and that’s before you ever consider the bubbly, the wines, the cocktails, the spirits.
But what if you don’t drink? What do non-drinkers do at Christmas? By non-drinkers, I mean the kind who used to drink like it was Christmas every day. You know, a problem drinker who has since realised it’s a problem and stopped drinking. How do you now navigate the booziest time of the year, in a country where saying ‘I don’t drink’ is like saying ‘I am part lizard’? Where every major sporting event is sponsored by drinks companies? Where drinking seems to be imprinted in our DNA?
If this is your first alcohol-free Christmas, not because you are pregnant or on antibiotics, but because you have realised you probably have an addiction to alcohol and the only way to recover is via abstinence, you will probably already be worrying about toasting in New Year’s Eve. Or worrying about your distant birthday months away, and how to manage such a momentous occasion without alcohol.
That’s what we do, those of us who are addicted to alcohol. Everything is a momentous occasion, and we project wildly into a boozeless future, and panic ourselves. That’s why 12 step abstinence-based recovery is all about keeping yourself in the present. A day at a time is a cliché for a reason.
Christmas, for all its shouty razzmatazz, is just one day. When I stopped drinking in January 2006, I’d just had yet another Christmas and New Year so boozy my kidneys ached, my head spun, my friendships were stretched to breaking point, and my kids had a grumpy, emotionally unavailable mother. What fun. But boozing is so normalised every life event from birth to death, and everything in between, is marked by a drink — that the idea of stopping was terrifying. Especially at Christmas. What would life be like without a glass in my hand?
Better. Miles and miles better. So much better I cannot describe it, without sounding unhinged. (And getting better all the time). So long as you don’t kid yourself that you can do it on your own, you’ll be fine — being clean is the easy bit. Being serene takes the work. Being sober at Christmas takes a bit of preparation — not just stocking up on non-alcoholic drinks, but preparing logistically and emotionally as well.
“It is a difficult time of year, definitely,” says addiction counsellor Gerry Cooney of the Rutland treatment centre. “It’s excessive, it’s stressful. The drink culture remains very much an issue, until we accept the seriousness of it. In my opinion, there is a lot of ambivalence as well as lots of powerful lobbies. It’s so normalised. All year is busy for us, but we get a lot of phone calls from people worried about loved ones around Christmas.”
Because problem drinking affects not just the drinker, but everyone around the drinker. Addiction is never a one-person situation — it bends everyone out of shape. For those around the newly sober, it can be a bit hairy — will the sound of jingle bells send them running to the bar? Will it all get too Pavlovian? How can you help keep someone sober at Christmas?
The short answer is that you can’t. As a partner, friend or relative of a problem drinker, their drinking is not caused by you, can’t be controlled by you, and most of all can’t be cured by you — no matter how good your intentions. Instead, look after yourself. By all means be supportive — from the practical to the psychological, your input is important. Encourage your loved one to go to meetings, to talk to others in recovery, to have a recovery plan in place to cover the holiday period. But don’t exhaust yourself worrying.
Neither should you automatically expect them to attend big gatherings, or stay out late, or spend all night in the pub. If it’s all too much, detach with love and seek out others in similar situations — there is 12 step recovery for people affected by alcoholism, not just for the alcoholics themselves.
“Our first Christmas was a bit tricky,” says Jason, whose partner had stopped drinking just weeks before in November. “She were so full of resolve, but on edge all the time. She wasn’t getting any support other than from me, and once January kicked in, it was as if she had been holding her breath. Like she had proved that she could stop drinking over Christmas and New Year, but she couldn’t stay stopped, and she started again, more full on than ever.
“I was at a total loss. I’d even threatened to move out, but it was no good. There was no getting through to her, until one day she just woke up feeling really rough, as usual, and said she’d had enough. She finally got help in March, and that was when things started getting better. She had to get to that point herself, even though I’d been on at her for years. The following Christmas was great. And I imagine this one will be as well.”
How To Stay Sober At Christmas
Think about who you will phone, which meetings are available, and making family members aware that you will be going to them, even if it seems ‘anti-social’. (They probably won’t need reminding how anti-social your drinking was).
Don’t expect to breeze through. Christmas is an emotionally loaded time for most people, and can be socially overwhelming.
Nor will it ever be as much fun as when you were five, yet we still always kid ourselves it will. No wonder it’s so boozy.
A classic recovery device is to get out of self. Not by diving into other people’s dramas, but by becoming involved in helping out – kids, oldies, the homeless, whoever. It refocuses you away from yourself and makes you feel good, as well as being of use to others. Win win.
As in, make sure a well meaning host doesn’t accidentally pour you a giant vodka.
If you do accidentally have a sip of something alcoholic, don’t freak out. And don’t think, oh well, I’ve torn it now, might as well carry on. Step back and pour yourself something alcohol-free. Beware alcohol-free beers and wines, by the way – they can be a little too close for comfort. Why mess with your head like that?
In early sobriety it’s probably not a good idea to attempt immersion in a very boozy environment like a pub or nightclub or raucous house party, or anywhere where there will be lots of people drinking. Override your FOMO (fear of missing out) and hatch an alternative plan that keeps your sobriety safer.
The basics – eating, sleeping, exercise – will keep you on an even keel. Don’t neglect your body’s daily routine over the holidays – we all need our internal equilibrium when external life get hectic.
If you are already somewhere too boozy and intense, and you are feeling uncomfortable, politely leave. Put your sobriety before social niceties - it’s more important.
Or as an old lady with over 50 years sobriety says, “Always know where the door is.”
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