Sex advice: ’I don’t want to dominate my boyfriend’

I want my boyfriend to take charge in the bedroom.

However, even though he’s confident and a natural leader in day-to-day life, that’s the one place where he wants me to dominate him, which I feel uncomfortable with. It means that I don’t really enjoy sex with him.

For an otherwise confident male to be so sexually self-limiting is unusual. Your boyfriend’s behaviour could be caused by tiredness or laziness, but it could equally indicate a lack of confidence. Some men, for example, find it easier to achieve orgasm when a woman goes on top. If they restrict themselves to that position, over time they condition themselves to believe it is the only way they will be able to ejaculate. If your boyfriend is insecure about his ability to orgasm in any other way, you could suggest experimenting with oral sex, or other positions that are more satisfying for you, and then using “on top” as a fail-safe method to help him climax, if necessary.

Alternatively, if your boyfriend spends his days being top dog, it is possible that he prefers to spend his nights being submissive. One presumes that alpha males will also be alpha lovers, but many men with big jobs and type A personalities prefer sexual submission because it provides such a stark contrast to the pressures of their professional life. Of course, an alpha male who “chooses” to be sexually submissive is not really relinquishing control at all, but novel sex acts increase the neurological kick, so men who are used to being in the driving seat get a greater thrill from the uncertainty they feel by giving up that power.

Female domination inverts traditional gender roles and, although some women love that, you obviously feel that you are being forced into a position that is at odds with your sexual identity. Because good sex generally relies on reciprocity, when one person always has to initiate sex, or is always the person who goes on top, being the dominant one in a sexual relationship can sometimes seem suspiciously like an opportunity for one partner to lie back and think of Ireland while the other one does all the hard work. It can also leave you questioning whether the person is really interested in having sex with you, or whether they might simply be going through the motions.

There are, of course, times in any relationship when one person has more energy than the other and so they become the more active participant, but by and large, good sex is a bi-directional interaction. A person who expects their partner to take the lead in bed regardless of whether they feel like it or not, must, by implication, purposely ignore nuances in their partner’s emotional disposition. This is obviously not conducive to intimacy because great sex changes according to the mood, or the moment.

Though the subtle choreography of sexual intimacy is difficult to define, research by Hall (2001) has identified a multitude of sex types: for example, “earth-moving sex, silly sex, mood-elevating sex, sorrowful sex, sex for intimacy, sex for distance, mechanical sex, once-a-month-if-we-feel-like-it-or-not-sex, only-if-I-don’t-have-to-lift-a-finger-sex and maybe-I’ll-feel-like-it after-we-start-sex”.

In the short term, failure to acknowledge a partner’s emotional state results in the diminishment of their sexual pleasure. In the longer term it is a threat to the viability of the relationship because one-sided sex is ultimately unrewarding.

If you want this relationship to work you have no choice other than to talk to your boyfriend. Try not to blindside him. Make a date for a chat (away from the bedroom) and tell him what you want to talk about. Preface the conversation by explaining how important the relationship is to you and then talk about “your” feelings rather than “his” behaviour. Don’t approach the topic with a critical or accusatory tone of voice. The less threatened he feels, the more likely it is that he will open up and be honest with you. Most people find it a lot easier to have sex than to talk about it, but unless you can find a way to ask for what you want, or say no to what you don’t want, you are never going to get your needs met.

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