Why some women fall in love with men behind bars

If you type “write to prisoners” into Google you’ll find a whole host of websites allowing people to contact inmates of US prisons. Many have committed violent crimes, some are on death row.

Yet a large number of women in the UK are writing to them, offering support and an ear to listen. And it’s not unusual for regular emails and letters to develop into a deep friendship or love.

(Paul Faith/PA)

Many of the women even uproot their lives in the UK and give up everything to be closer to their prisoner lover. And marrying them isn’t off the cards either.

Jen Isaacson from London married her prisoner pen pal in January this year. She joined  writeaprisoner.com in October 2012 and got in contact with Jason, who is currently serving a 12-year sentence in Minnesota for selling drugs and possession of a firearm.

“After a few months of chatting, I realised my feelings for Jason ran deeper. I never imagined I’d end up having such powerful feelings for someone I hadn’t met. Let alone someone locked up in prison,” she explains.

A photo of Jason that he sent Jen with a letter (PA)

She visited him for the first time in August last year and a few months later Jason proposed. The second time they met in person, they married at the prison. After the ceremony Jason was led back to his cell and Jen returned to her hotel room alone.

“No first kiss as husband and wife. No passionate wedding night,” she says.

So why are some women drawn into relationships with men who are outcasts of society, who can only enjoy a relationship behind a glass screen?

Jen Issacson (PA)

According to Sheila Isenberg, author of Women Who Love Men Who Kill, it doesn’t have anything to do with the old “women like a bad boy” cliché.

She interviewed 36 women in serious relationships with men who have committed murder, who they’d met while the men were behind bars.

“It’s often a control thing,” she says. “Many have been in abusive relationships in the past or ones where they had no control, but with a man behind bars, it’s the women who hold all the power. They can’t be controlled or dominated by a man who’s in prison. This will also make them feel more safe they they did in past relationships.”

Author Sheila Isenberg (PA)

Writing to someone also reinforces that idea of traditional courting, Isenberg says, which can be attractive for many women.

“They’re being worshipped from afar, and showered in attention with letters or emails,” she points out. “It’s attention they might not have had in previous relationships.

“A woman dating a prisoner is in a relationship with someone that has nothing – except her. She is the centre of his world, without her he’s nothing.”

(Muhammed Muheisen/AP)

Isenberg says relationships like these can’t develop past the exciting, romantic stage.

“It’s not really love. Real love develops into intimacy and companionship, which a man behind bars can never offer. They’ll always be at the first infatuation stage,” she says.

Interestingly, even when there’s overwhelming evidence proving their guilt, the women seem to either believe they are innocent, or make excuses for their crimes.

“The women I interviewed for the book had excuses for their inmate boyfriends like ‘he was young’ or ‘drunk’ or ‘didn’t mean to do it,” Isenberg says.

Labour Day starring Kate Winslet and Josh Brolanm, is the story of a woman who falls in love with a murderer, and is released on DVD today.