Teaching tops punishment

We’ve all done it – issued a threat when a young child persists with behaviour we don’t like. We say stuff like ‘If you don’t stop hitting your sister, I’ll take away your toys’.

The trouble with threats is you either get defiance or sullen compliance from your child. So says parent coach Marian Byrne, who believes positive discipline is about teaching children what to do rather than punishing them for being ‘bold’.

“It’s not so much about teaching lessons as engaging their cooperation. Ultimately, the child wants the connection and feelgood factor of being in good relationship with you.”

In scenarios where you might usually resort to threats, what could work instead?

* ‘If you dawdle going to bed, there’ll be no story’ Instead say: ‘If you get ready really quickly for bed, we’ll have time for a story’.

“The latter is an encouragement. It taps into the same motivation as the first but it’s not negative,” comments Byrne.

* In the supermarket: ‘No TV tonight if you don’t stop taking items off the shelf.’ Instead try: ‘If you want to watch TV when we get home, we need to move quickly’. Or ask your child to find an item in the shop that you really do need. This distracts from negative behaviour and invites her to positively help you out.

* ‘Stop whining or I’ll take away your doll’. Instead say: ‘When you use your normal voice, I can hear better what you’re saying’. “Taking away the doll is unrelated and unfair. It’s using leverage and is unnecessarily punitive,” says Byrne.

*In car: ‘stop squabbling or we’ll go home’. Instead, pull over and state clearly what’s needed: ‘As the driver, it has to be safe to drive. When everyone is settled, I can start again’. This approach sees you breaking up what’s going on – changing the mood. “You’re giving information but also remaining calm. When you state expectations, children often respond well,” says Byrne.

Threats are often thrown out in the emotion of the moment. “They’re about taking away something from the child and are often unrelated to the behaviour at issue – ‘if you don’t clean your teeth, you’re not going to the party tomorrow’.”

Much better to link consequences to the misbehaviour and to incorporate into the consequence a chance for the child to make amends. Instead of ‘if you don’t stop drawing on the wall right now, you’ll go to your bedroom’, get the child to clean the marks off the wall.

The other golden rule is to always follow through with a consequence. “Parents often threaten something they can’t practically follow through on. Or they don’t take the time, effort or energy to stick to what they said.”

Tips

* Give clear information about what needs to happen.

* Reframe to positive motivation.

* Watch your emotions – stay calm.

* Consequences should always be linked to situation.