My girlfriend never takes the time to initiate sex with me

* My girlfriend never initiates sex. As I have a higher sex drive than her, she doesn’t need to work very hard to get my attention, which means that she never initiates sex or tries to seduce me.

She says that she doesn’t ever get a chance to, but I feel there are plenty of chances.

>> At the beginning of a new relationship no one needs to initiate sex. Physical proximity is the only “chance” you need and reciprocal arousal is taken for granted. It is only when the spontaneous frenzy of first lust subsides that sex becomes a process that requires initiation and, more often than not, it is the man who makes the first move. In my 2012 survey of more than 3,000 people, 56.1% of male participants and 15.1% of females said they always initiated sex with their partner.

The discrepancy is partly explained by the fact that men generally have higher libidos than women, but it also reflects gendered expectations about men appearing to take the lead role. I say “appearing” because although the initiator begins the interaction, he does so at the invitation of his partner.

Male sexual desire is straightforwardly “proactive”, but female sexual desire is “proceptive”. A woman may not ask for sex directly, but she “initiates” the possibility of it happening by behaving provocatively, or escalating non-sexual contact in a way that makes it clear that she wants more.

If your girlfriend has trouble identifying appropriate opportunities for sex, it wouldn’t be difficult to set up some blindingly obvious “chances” for her.

Unsurprisingly, Saturday night and Sunday morning are peak times for domestic sex so, next weekend, when you experience that early morning urge, resist the temptation to roll over to her side of the bed and see whether she will voluntarily attend to your needs.

If she doesn’t, she may have what Dr Rosemary Basson, the director of sexual medicine at the University of British Columbia, calls “responsive” sexual desire. It’s a term that is applied to women who only feel motivated to have sex once a sexual interaction has begun. Basically, their arousal is only triggered by the sensation of their partner’s touch.

Although Basson’s theory neatly accommodates the choreography of so many sexual relationships, including your own, it risks being interpreted as a heavily biased validation of female passivity. It also ignores the rather obvious fact that male sexual desire is responsive, too, and if, every now and again, your girlfriend took charge, she would undoubtedly trigger feelings of arousal in you, too.

As long as a partner responds with enthusiasm it seldom matters whether one person initiates more than the other; however most men, such as you, appreciate a degree of sexual reciprocity. When a woman expresses her desire to have sex with her man it reassures him that he is still sexually desirable and confirms to him that she is still attracted to him.

Unfortunately, many men find it difficult to articulate feelings of vulnerability, and become defensive and accuse their partner of being lazy or selfish.

I know you’ve already tried to discuss this issue with your girlfriend, but I suspect you might have more success if you framed it in terms of your feelings, rather than her failures. Explain to her that her lack of initiative makes you feel rejected, and that you worry that she has lost interest in having sex. Your ideal outcome is that she initiates sex more often, and that’s not going to happen if you make her feel bad about herself.

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