Children who don't listen don't learn in school
“If children aren’t listening, they’re not learning — they fall behind very quickly on basic concepts,” says Helen Sholdice, child therapist and parent-child coach.
Sholdice — who has seen parents “in tears” because their child isn’t listening to teacher — says there are two causes of the behaviour, representing two different temperaments. “A child may be putting up a defensive barrier to listening — a quiet, very compliant child, if feeling overwhelmed, sometimes retreats by not listening. Or it may be that a child is struggling for power and won’t listen. This child likes to be consulted on matters relating to them — there’s a desire for some equality and give-and-take in a relationship.”
If parents and the teacher are to understand the inattentiveness, they must look at the child’s life. “The child who’s rushed at home in the morning may not want to pay any more attention to anyone after that. Or, if the parent’s anxious about something, the child may pick up on it — if a parent’s distracted sending their child to school, the child will be distracted, too. They can’t pay attention,” she says.
Parents and teachers need to be mindful of how they sound when they talk to children, says Sholdice.
“Tone of voice is like a barometer of feelings. It should be calm and measured when speaking to children. If teacher-instruction is coming fast, if teacher is anxious and over-teaching, in an effort to drill something home, the child can feel an overload of information and switch off.”
Sholdice says children take time to digest information. “Learning always takes time. We forget that instructing them doesn’t mean they’ve got it.”
Punishing children for non-listening solidifies the behaviour. Say to the child ‘I feel you’re ignoring me’ — this way, they hear that the adult recognises they’re switched off.
Rather than confronting your child, saying ‘your teacher sent home a note today’, Sholdice suggests sitting with the child in a relaxed space and asking ‘I wonder how you feel about school, at the moment, about listening to your teacher?’
This may elicit a response from your child (‘teacher’s going too fast’) pointing to a constructive course of action (‘do you need her to slow down a bit?’).
¦ Be aware of your child’s learning style.
¦ Some children like to be told, others like to be shown, others like to do it for themselves.
¦ Develop open, communicative relationship with your child’s teacher.
¦ Ask child: ‘Why are you ignoring me?’
