The trouble with loose women

WHEN Sharon Osbourne told Colin Farrell on the Graham Norton Show that vaginal tightening was the most excruciatingly painful cosmetic procedure she ever had, fifty per cent of viewers flinched — and that was just the men.

The rest crossed their legs and contemplated a truism they’d heard in their teens: Nobody likes loose women. Not even the bad guys. So, it’s not something nice girls want to be. It’s not something nice girls have to be, either. Lunchtime lasering to tighten the vajayjay has recently become available at yet another Dublin-based cosmetic surgery clinic where it’s being marketed as a simple, 30-minute non-surgical procedure.

Now while that might sound nifty, it also sounds scary. After all, what woman would, after a morning’s work, willingly swap salad with her colleagues for a session with legs akimbo and a laser-gun deep in her nether regions?