Third Age: Finding love again after painful loss

NORAH CASEY cannot stop smiling.

The publisher and former Dragon’s Den star is excited about the new year, thanks to the new love in her life, her “special friend,’’ a Dublin fire-fighter.

Two years after the death of her husband, Richard Hannaford, from cancer, Norah, 53, pictured below, is embracing this new relationship.

“I am still a young woman and Richard wouldn’t have wanted me to spend the rest of my life on my own,’’ she said in a recent interview.

“I promised myself that after the second anniversary I would start to think about finding someone for companionship. That is the best way I can put it.’’

The Bereavement Counselling Service of Ireland describes the death of a spouse or partner as one of the “most devastating’’ events in a person’s life. As everybody grieves differently, there are no set guidelines as to when it is the “right time’’ to meet someone new.

Thomas Fitzpatrick, a bereavement counsellor with the service, advises people who are grieving not to make any life-changing decisions within the first year of a loss.

“It’s important to enable yourself to re-adjust to your new reality. There can also be a tendency, when people are very grief-stricken, to engage in risky and dangerous activities like drink, drugs and inappropriate sexual relations, as a way of dulling the pain, which is important to be aware of,’’ he says.

Larry Byrne, a counsellor and psychotherapist with About U Counselling, in Dublin, agrees and adds it’s important for a person to work through their grief before embarking on a new relationship.

“There is no time limit. It simply depends on the person and how they have worked through their grief,’’ he says.

“Grieving is normal, people will slowly realise that they have got to get on with their lives. When they begin to feel that they can live again without that person then they can move on. It all depends on the individual and it is important not to be in denial.’’

Norah, who has a teenage son, says although she was lonely, her grief was too raw, for her to even consider moving on before the second anniversary. She knew she was not ready emotionally or psychologically for a new relationship until then.

“I suppose in my mind it is kind of difficult enough not having companionship and maybe I was more receptive after the second anniversary, but I certainly had it as a deadline in my own mind,’’ she said.

Jennifer Haskins of Two’s Company a dating agency, says there is no set time for people to start dating again following a bereavement, but finds that men often start dating sooner than women.

“Men tend to miss having a woman in their life and get out there, looking for a replacement partner, much earlier than women do,’’ she says.

“If somebody has had a good marriage and then their partner has died, they go forward believing in love, believing in marriage and having a good, loving relationship. They are more optimistic than someone who has a bitter break-up.’’

* www.bereavementireland.com