10 Things not to say to a pregnant woman
Thanks for noticing, but she will be fully aware of her bump herself. From her fat ankles to her fat fingers to her fat earlobes, she will be feeling the enormity of herself without anyone else having to point it out. She knows quite well she looks like a whale that has swallowed a space hopper, except this is a space hopper filled with cement that is sitting directly on her pelvic floor and making her want to wee every ten minutes and wince as she walks. Don’t make it any worse. Admire her glossy hair and glowing skin, then shut up.
Oooooh, can I feel the bump? No you can’t! Would you ask anyone else if you could lay hands on their body, unless you were (a) in an intimate relationship with them or (b) an evangelical pastor? No you would not. Keep your hands to yourself, no matter how well meaning they are. Nobody likes being pawed, especially pregnant women who can’t even bear the feel of their own t-shirts. She’ll be too embarrassed to say no, but you will be massively invading her personal space unless you and she are very close. A pregnant woman is not public property, no matter what you’ve read.
So is it a boy or a girl? Sorry to sound harsh, but this really is none of your business. She may be happy to tell you, but let her volunteer the information — don’t ask. She may not wish to broadcast the sex for lots of reasons — none of them you need to know — or she may not know herself. Either way, don’t probe – she’s probably still thinking of it as a baby rather than anything pink or blue.
Hey! Is that wine in your glass? She will be more than aware that anything but a tiny amount of alcohol is harmful to the foetus, but if she is having a small glass of wine, does that make you the foetal alcohol police? No it does not. Chances are she will have been too sick to contemplate alcohol for quite some time, and may in later pregnancy be having a single glass of something relaxing. Leave her alone. She’s earned it. The baby will not be born hungover.
Put that soft cheese / sushi / mayonnaise / raw offal down! See 4 above. However, the opposite can also happen when a woman is exercising caution by avoiding certain foods during pregnancy, so don’t bawl her out for being fussy / neurotic / over-careful. So long as she is not smoking crack, what she chooses to ingest or not to ingest during pregnancy is entirely her call. Refrain from butting in.
You’re not really going to call it _______, are you? Yes she is. Baby names are intensely personal, and unless you are Kate Middleton, there should be no external influences on which name she chooses. It’s been her, after all, that has been lugging the thing around for nine months, and if she wants to call it Sage or Jermajesty or Lucretia, then so be it. The baby can always do the deed poll thing when it’s older.
I hope you’re not still going to the gym!Unless she has taken up jousting, it’s pretty hard to dislodge a healthy pregnancy. Remember the recent hoo-ha about pregnant weight lifter Lea-Ann Ellison? Exactly. Exercise is vital, no matter what condition you’re in. Being pregnant is not an illness.
Just you wait…This quietly ominous phrase should never be uttered to a first time pregnancy. She’s probably already worried enough about the birth, and now you’re filling her with dread as you warn her she will never again have undisturbed sleep/sex/time to read a whole novel in the bath. She’ll find all that out soon enough.
Well, I hope your labour won’t be the 42 hours of hell that mine was. And while you’re at it, why not go into graphic detail about how it was too late for an epidural, how the water birth nearly drowned you, how you had to be rushed in for an emergency C-section, how your midwife was a witch, your doctor a psycho, your episiotomy made your partner faint… STOP! Zip it. Say nothing. Keep quiet.
When are you due? This is fine so long as (a) she hasn’t already had the baby two months ago or (b) she is not pregnant at all. By all means ask when her baby is going to appear, but the crucial thing is to be sure she is actually pregnant before you ask about dates. Otherwise you are just calling her fat to her face, and nobody likes being called fat. Don’t go there. Got it?
