Be more vocal and playful and your husband will have to change

Q. My husband takes sex very seriously.

When we make love, the lights are low, there’s no laughing and no talking, just a lot of meaningful eye contact. I’m desperate to have more fun in bed. How can I encourage him to be more vocal and playful?

A. When sexual relationships disappoint, or frustrate, it is much easier to blame a partner than it is to look in the mirror but “couple sex styles” don’t evolve in isolation.

Whether the sex a couple has is good, bad or indifferent, in a healthy relationship both partners are responsible for the way in which their sexual relationship is constructed.

To allow a pattern of behaviour to develop is to be complicit in the development of that pattern, even when, as is probably the case with you, the pattern emerges, primarily through a lack of assertiveness.

I can understand how you have arrived at this point. I imagine that in the beginning, the intense sex style that you have established was an expression of deep intimacy. Your relationship was serious. The romantic silences, the meaningful eye contact and the mood lighting reflected the intensity of your passion for each other. Yet... years and years later, you are still acting out that same sexual scenario. Your marriage has matured, but your sex life hasn’t, and now it feels difficult to express your dissatisfaction without undermining your shared sexual history and offending the man you love.

I’d be interested to know whether your husband’s no-talking policy “during” sex extends to a no-talking policy “about” sex? Have you tried to discuss it with him?

Good sex is grounded in good communication and when a couple don’t feel able to discuss intimacy, their sexual relationship tends to stagnate because neither one feels confident about suggesting new ways of changing the script.

Often, the easiest way to address issues in a sexual relationship is to become more conscious of the way in which you personally respond to them. For example, you know that your husband doesn’t like to talk during sex, so you remain silent to please him, and yet, being prevented from speaking now makes you feel “desperate”, so, by accommodating what you think he wants, you undermine your own sexual experience.

If you challenge your own reactions to that imposed silence you will quickly change the dynamic.

Next time you make love, play music and speak quietly. Tell him that you love him; tell him what feels good for you; tell him when you feel close to climax. Normalise the idea that words don’t diminish sex, or make it any less of a spiritual experience, and you’ll soon find that pillow talk becomes an integral part of your lovemaking.

Similarly, a couple of simple alterations would address the other issues. For instance, you can’t have eye contact if you turn out all the lights, or wear a blindfold, and if you want to make him laugh, just tickle him mercilessly.

Become more vocal and playful and your husband will be forced to change accordingly.

Initially, focus on creative eroticism, rather than sex.

The possibilities are endless but I’m a fan of aphrodisiac picnics in front of a blazing fire. Or have you ever tried a champagne blowback? You swig bubbly and then French kiss so that you can squirt the fizz back and forth, or watching Last Tango in Paris together? When it comes to sex, the world is your oyster. So enjoy.

Email your questions to: [e-mail]