Adopting the right attitude to cheeky children

YOU don’t like her attitude and you don’t like her tone and most of all you don’t like that your child has just back-answered you.

What not to do is to react with a stinging reproach, call your child a name and shout, ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that’. It’s best to stay calm and to speak respectfully so as to model for your child a better way of communicating.

Parent coach Marian Byrne has a few what-not-to-do tips for responding to a child who’s suddenly full of sass. “Don’t laugh. Don’t give it too much energy or attention. Don’t take it personally and don’t accept it just because their friends are around.”

If your child shouts ’you’re stupid’, it’s best, says Byrne, to: nUse their name;

* Make eye contact without forcing it;

* State calmly “it’s not ok to call me ‘stupid’.”

Saying ‘you’re stupid’ is like a bomb that has been thrown, says Byrne.

“If they’re aged 10 or 12, you might ask ‘Why are you saying this?’ The response might me ‘Because you won’t give me what I want’.

“If they seem very angry, it’s good to reflect this back: ‘I can see you’re very angry’, so they can understand it’s an emotion that’s prompting their behaviour.

“Get them to see there’s no correlation between what they’re thinking and feeling and what they’re saying. By acknowledging the emotion, you’re building a bridge between you, which allows a conversation about whatever’s causing the cheekiness.”

While cheekiness can sometimes be playful and sparky — especially in younger children — no parent wants a saucy child and it’s natural to want to react rather than try to understand what’s behind the behaviour.

“It could be to do with what they’re watching on TV, what they see peers doing, perhaps they’re mirroring back what parents are saying to them or they might be getting more assertive and independent and this is a way of pulling back from you. It might be a parent is very controlling or always nagging so it could be a reaction to family dynamics,” says Byrne.

If your child’s in a pattern of continuous back-answering, you need to state and apply some consequences, such as not interacting until the child speaks in an appropriate manner and letting them know that’s what you’re doing. Never give the child what s/he wants until they ask in an acceptable way.