Amazing sex showed me what I am missing with my partner

Q. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for four years and we have a three-and-a-half-year-old son.

We get on pretty well and have even discussed having another baby. However, I don’t love my partner and I think I have known that for a long time. Our sex life is boring and I never climax. It did not really disturb me but two months ago, on a work training week, I had the most amazing sex with a man I hardly know. He is married and the relationship is not going anywhere, but I feel confused about how I responded. Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

A. After years of never experiencing an orgasm during sex with your boyfriend, I can understand why your body’s response that night must have seemed hugely significant. However, it is important to view what has happened in context. Having sex with someone else when you are in a committed relationship is exhilarating and unsettling; exhilarating because someone you are attracted to is attracted to you and that boosts your ego and your self-esteem; unsettling because of the risk that you might get caught.

That combination of sensations — fear, attraction and excitement — is sexual dynamite because the body cannot differentiate between the arousal generated by anxiety and the arousal created by anticipation and desire. Each of those sensations triggers the release of adrenalin, the fight or flight hormone, which increases heart rate, blood pressure and sweat gland activity and mobilises the body in preparation for extreme physical exertion of any kind.

Because anxiety and arousal have such a profound physiological effect on the body, the relationship between the two is well documented. An experiment by Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton in 1974 in Canada demonstrated that men who crossed a shaky wooden bridge suspended 450ft above a gorge were more likely to make romantic overtures towards an attractive student on the other side, compared with a group who crossed a more robust structure 10ft above the ground. Similarly, in 2007 Dr Paul Willis found there was a strong response to sexually charged language from women who had just been on a terrifying rollercoaster.

Angst and adrenalin are tried and tested ingredients for amazing sex. However, it is a high-risk habit dependent on continual variety. Most of us don’t have the stamina to cope with living in that kind of amoral vacuum and unless you are planning to take up extreme sports you are going to have to learn how to have an orgasm in a less racy environment.

There are many “How to” books about sex, but How to have an Orgasm ... as Often as you Want by Rachel Swift does what it says on the cover.

Orgasm may be an involuntary response, but it is one any woman can learn to encourage, ensure even, as long as she has the confidence to be assertive, vocal and decisive.

So, should you stay or should you go? Improving your current relationship will require total commitment and you shouldn’t even contemplate having another baby until you are sure it is back on track.

If you are not sure you can make that kind of investment in this relationship but you find it difficult to work out the implications of leaving, one of the simplest tactics is to consider (and write down) the 10/10/10 consequences of your decision. What will the impact be for you and for your son in the next ten minutes, ten months and ten years?

When you think in these terms you begin to see that life, like orgasm, does not have to be something that just “happens” to you. You can direct experiences to ensure you get the best outcome for the both of you.

* E-mail your questions to: [e-mail]