Choice central to growing up

IF I can’t say no, then my yes is a lie.”

Helen Sholdice has never forgotten this insight from a school-going child. A child therapist and parent child coach, Sholdice says parents find it difficult when their children say no. “They often misunderstand or misinterpret the child’s no. They label it as defiant, disobedient, or bold. Parents can feel their child’s getting out of control. In fact, parents are so anxious that their child be not out of control they tend to come down hard on him by expecting immediate obedience.”

Parents are often unaware of how vital it is for a child to be able to say no, that no can be a positive thing and that it presents an opportunity to educate the child to stand up for himself, make decisions, and act on those.

Children begin saying no when they’re about 2. “It’s a normal develop-mental phase, the age of opposition — the child is beginning to develop and exercise their will,” explains Sholdice.

But how can a parent hold boundaries, yet honour the child’s no? Recognise that all children need choice about the important aspects of their daily lives, recommends Sholdice.

“Parent says: ‘It’s time for bed — get your pyjamas on’. Child says ‘no’. Now it’s time to offer choices: ‘Would you like to brush your teeth first or put on your pyjamas first?’ Then say: ‘OK, you’ve chosen your pyjamas first’. The child has taken responsibility for what they’ve chosen and the no has been turned around to give the child a collaborative role.”

It’s important, she adds, to consult with children from a young age: ‘Would you like pasta or fish, the red dress or the blue?’ This enables the child to think for themselves.

“Parents should always be looking for opportunities through which the child can gain control in their own lives and giving them indep-endence appropriate to their age. Is the child responsible for making their own bed, bringing their dirty clothes to the laundry basket, cleaning the table, learning to ride a bicycle?”

When older children say no to everything, they’ve got stuck somewhere, says Sholdice. “They haven’t had much freedom of choice along the way... Choice builds self-esteem and self-esteem answers two things — am I loveable and am I capable?”