Not this seventies show

WE are fickle creatures often tempted to think that less is a bore, not necessarily, more.

There were some forward looking trends in interior decorating that became backward glances of sheer distain in a few short years. Could three of the greatest of these fashion faux pas ever prowl our homes again?

SHAG CARPET C1970

Deep forests of ‘shag-rag’ were a staple for the well appointed home of the 70s, when the depth of your pile, the size of your bell-bottoms and the weight of your Somerso ashtray marked you out of the pack.

The most efficient filth collectors ever introduced to a domestic environment, the shag carpet at several centimetres sopped up the prawn cocktails, strangled and hooked every trace of foot-borne rubbish that came its way, digesting it deep into its folds.

Some so deep they required a dedicated ‘rake’. In the US, shag was wrapped around the treads of open staircases, and doors were planed to accommodate it. It was an animal.

Furni-prints and footprints made daily vacuum inevitable and the synthetic strength of the rope pile garrotted the best of vacuum belts, its tangled texture, mashed by use soon dissolves into a lethal nylon slide, propelling the innocent down the stairs.

To highlight the arrival of the plush pelted beast, deep purples, harvest gold (orange), avocado, and brown recalling atrophied cow dung, were a wow.

Likely to return? No.

However long-haired area rugs in natural fibres such as Italian Flocati and Irish sheep wool, have seen a resurgence as archipelagos in the bland acres of blond wood flooring marching all over our 21st century pads.

They are expensive and difficult to clean, as natural shags have heavily twisted or irregular fibres that cannot be just shaken clean. Use the hose attachment and work from the roots of the pile out, otherwise an aggressive machine will tear a small ewe into the collecting bin.

Real fibres do repel lighter dust and dirt, so look for a quality, dense rug if you fancy one, elect for a medium pile or go to suede or leather models. Tripping hazard or untold Man Men luxury? You decide.

TEXTURED FEATURE WALLS 1970-PRESENT

Have you ever fallen with a bare upper arm against a textured wall, that type with the icy little flesh graters? Yeow-tex they called it — well they should have. And what about the aesthetic measles in wood chip wallpaper?

For some reason, in the 70s and 80s, imperfect walls needed help and the logic was to make the entire wall entirely and perfectly hideous with stipples, swirls and bumps. A form of DIY that disguised the original hills and valleys of a bad professional skim job or worse still — damp.

Wallpaper has an honest character (it’s only paper) and lifts up sadly with any moisture problem. In the worst cases, plaster texture was taken to the ceilings with the Yeow-tex, delivering the ultimate Edgar Allen Poe character finish of snarling teeth bared from every surrounding surface.

Revealing brickwork or stone in a period house can be an exciting moment, but carry through. The slab or corner of revealed dodgy Victorian pointing left baldly on show — it works in a rustic restaurant, but at home? No. So not likely to return.

Textured papers, from bold damask flocks to discreet receding flashes of pattern, have come a long way from their antecedents, so if your walls are wanting, ask for a good length of paper to test and try it on different walls at different times of the day. Don’t fix a wall with wallpaper.

Ensure the walls you use are as flat and dry as possible, deal with any imperfections and damp problem before proceeding. There are new products to flatten the peaks of Yeow-tex in a simple skim coat such as Artex Easyfix Smooth (from €35 for 7.5L).

Artex installed before the mid-1980s contains asbestos and should never be sanded off. X-Tex, produced by Eco-Solutions in the UK can be used to remove old Artex safely but you will have to source it in the UK. Ecosolutions.co.uk.

THE COLOURED SUITE/GOLD TAPS

Kim Kardashian recently splashed out on a £1m gold plated toilet. Enough said. Was there ever a time when gold-plated dolphins rampant on a bidet caused anything more than a shudder outside an episode of Keeping up Appearances?

Coloured suites came and went, but left a wet, unsettling wake in the minds of a whole generation haunted by toilet roll covers shaped as ball-gowned dollies, and fizzing reds and blues in the 1950s gave way to earthy browns, orange, avocado, pale blue and black.

The bathroom, despite the expense, has always been a fashion showcase, and unfortunately, bad set dressing in the bathroom is largely cemented into place.

Likely to return? No.

There’s an uneasy truce between waste water and the coloured toilet. It’s more offensive to behold bodily fluids in living colour. Scratches on porcelain are more obvious in a colour, and scuffed areas dim to a dull pallor. Even the feature sink in all its conical, counter mounted glory is slipping down the drain. White says sanitary and a popular preference has swung firmly back to white suites, glass and the sheerest smoky colours. If you’re stuck with a coloured encumbrance, embrace the colour, work with it and comfort yourself in the knowledge that vivid suites are being plucked from salvage yards as collectable in the UK at least.

Pink and pale blue baths and sinks, matched to the latest fad for pale grey paintwork works beautifully, and avocado, a strong colour in anyone’s book, can be celebrated happily against sparkling white tile and walls.

Change out the taps and cheer for your vintage squatter with retro bathroom towels and touches.