A plumbing game of thrones
We dance around its very name with perky euphemisms, but the toilet is a hard-working servant in the house.
It’s used up to eight times a day by every family member and closely integrated in a successful bathroom suite.
Choose the most discreet and practical place and decide on a winning design for that inevitable little white elephant.
In plumbing terms, putting the waste pipe straight out an exterior wall is the ideal, but with the wonders of push fit pipes and pumped assistance, the loo can really go anywhere including right into a corner if needs be.
See if you can tuck the toilet behind the door or herd it into a recess rather than having it rudely on show. A second line of defensive shelter can save a thousand blushes over the years, as even if the door gets shoved open or takes a spectral swing, you won’t be starring in a short, mortifying drama perched in view.
The door could even be re-hung to open in the other way to conceal a toilet pan (a lot cheaper than moving existing plumbing points).
For busy couples, a short glass block or half wall allows a little privacy if you have to share the space in an emergency moment.
Don’t place the toilet less than 700mm from a bath. Your nose in repose will be on level with the seat. We need room to re-dress after sitting down without the calves brushing off the bowl.
Leave at least 60cm across and 80cm side to side in front of the pan’s edge to use the loo and to get down on hands and knees to clean the pan and floor.
The toilet itself will take up at least 68cm out from the wall and 35cm across including the soil pipe.
There are three basic choices in toilet design outside of the bowl and cistern shape.
Standard toilets with the pan and cistern separated are there to enhance the essential physics of gravity. They now fall into the genre of traditional — including Art Deco styles with nostalgic high cisterns that command a premium
Close coupled toilets are now standard and designed with the cistern sitting on the base or presented as one piece in a neat ergonomic design.
The concealed cistern is the top choice for minimalist bathrooms with a hovering toilet, mounted on the wall and free of any supporting pedestal. Also suited to floor-sitting, ‘back to wall’ pans.
Where you can’t put the waste pipe back out through the wall but have to go down, vessel style pans that flute straight up from the floor eliminate that trunk of unsightly U pipe without crevices that are a nuisance to clean.
Have a good, long discussion with your plumber and architect about the structural, spatial and maintenance demands of the style of toilet you’re considering as function and hydro-mechanics take first place when it comes to loos.
Where the cistern is concealed, it’s just concealed, not eliminated. Where will it go and how will it be accessed?
An elongated bowl provides around 3cm more room for the backside, but for a very tight space, choose a ‘short projection’ toilet with a rounder profile.
For square bowls, take a seated dangle on that angle before you buy. Tighter corners can spell an awkward clean.
If you suffer from a disability, have a word with your occupational therapist or the advisor at your nearest hospital for advice on the best toilet design for you as a raised model will make life so much easier.
Is there anything more heart rending than the strangled cries of a stranded family member forgotten upstairs and desperately considering the hand towels?
Find somewhere to stash extra toilet rolls within reach. Rolls set on floor-standing trees behind the loo are right in the Male Delta splash zone. Enclose them in a cabinet if possible.
Toilet brushes are, in germ terms, revolting objects unless bleached after each use. If you must use a brush, keep the bristles immersed in full strength cleaning solution and well out of the reach of children.
Wall-mounted roll dispensers and free-standing trees should be set by the side of the toilet, as reaching behind to the wall holds the potential of muscular strain for anyone, but especially older or physically challenged members of the family.
Finally include a soft-close lid to eliminate those who are peeled from the ceiling thanks to the joys of a slammed en-suite loo in the dead of night.
If you thought the concealed cistern and LED non-touch flush were racy, cutting edge ablutions — think again.
We have to blame the curiosity of the Japanese for a new addiction to the luxury loo. Not content with heated seats, buttock massagers, and soft landings, the latest toilets marry the dubious appeal of the continental bidet with the standard toilet.
For less sophisticated householders, spa style frolicking, legs akimbo over the bowl will be a flush too far.
For example there’s the luxurious and pricey, Geberit Aquaclean. I’m quoting here directly from Geberit’s oddly prim UK brochure as my fingers curl up and die on the keys at very thought of settling over a rear-aimed, fuzzy logic, posterior power shower.
“The experience,” (mercifully not explained but implied is a paperless wipe of water), “can be enhanced by additional functions such as the oscillating shower arm, the ladies’ shower for natural intimate personal hygiene; a pulsating massage shower; warm-air dryer, and remote control or memory function”.
If I’ve whetted your enthusiasm, the units are available in a naughty little retrofit and with agents here in Ireland. www.geberit.co.uk.
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